What do you do?

It is such a hard call....

When you really care about someone and think that they are a valued person in your life, but there is a nagging wedge in the relationship...

Sort of an elephant in the room of sorts...

Do you ignore it? Do you tell yourself that it is really NOT your business and try to get past it?

I REALLY do not know, but it is really weighing heavy on my heart. Seems that this issue is something that I thought that I could get around, but now I am not so sure. I cannot stop thinking about it. You see, it is something that is very important to me. Something that I have said that I would NEVER do. Now, I cannot help but think about this every time I see this person. The saddest part is that I just wish that I would have never discovered this. "Ignorance is bliss" is TOTALLY applicable to our situation. The good friend/Christian part of me says that I should be able to move on and not let something like this ruin a wonderful friendship. The human part of me says that this is a life-changing issue for me and that nakes it harder to just ignore... :(

Time will tell....

Getting out of Bed....

Some mornings, getting out of bed is an accomplishment.

Really....

I am in a place that I have never been before. I just cannot seem to get out of it. My friends are in bad places too. so, I have been able to distract myself with their probelms which is probably a good thing. I am a bit worried. Worried that I just cannot get over this bump....

Can't Seem to Shake it.... :(

After beginning to pack, I fell into a horribly low mood. I just cannot seem to snap out of it... Everything makes me sad and keeps me down.

Sadness.....:.(

It's Been a While....

Mom-

It's been a while... A very long time since we have had a heart to heart. The kids are growing like crazy and doing so good. They really are. Unlike me, they are so very strong. Kids never cease to amaze me in the strength that they have to get through even the toughest of circumstances... It is just unreal...How could I have such fighters?

I have been fortunate to have some REALLY good friends near and far to help me through the rough times. These girls are MY family. Truly, they are. They are there whenever I need someone. Whether that means a text, a phone call, a couch, a drink, or just the knowledge of knowing that she understands WHAT I am dealing with, these girls are something special. They have pulled me out of some really dark places lately and that is something that I CANNOT say for any of the family that remains... :( The far away friends make me long for them to be near.

Remember that black cloud that you and I always joked about? Well, it still seems to follow me around raining on my sunny days and bringing rotten things into my life. I HATE it. :(

Oh Mom... This is so hard. This moving thing. Last night I sat there and packed that curio cabinet. It was pathetic. I looked at every item and thought of every memory that I had of you. I was sad and angry. So sad that you were not here and that you were missing so much. Angry that I was deprived of your presence. Selfish, I know....I yelled at the kids. Told them to not touch any of those things. "This is the last of Grammy that I have." I told them. "If it breaks, I will never be able to replace it." I was not very nice. Sadly, I did not care... :( I just needed a moment to be selfish and miss my mom. I do not take many of those. I really do not. If it makes me look bad, so be it...

You know, the more I struggle through life, the more I see how people can just completely LOSE IT! I used to really wonder just HOW it could happen? Not anymore! Now, I can clearly see just how it can happen. I am a bit afraid. Afraid that it will one day be me that it happens to... :( Please watch over us. If you have power, please make certain that the kids stay on the right paths and that we all stay together. That is what is most important to me. Everything else means NOTHING without my children....

I love you and miss EVERY SINGLE DAY

Finding Reprieve in Our Stories...

To say that my friend J and I like to read would be an understatement. Where most people read a book or two a month. Yeah. We read a book every couple of days. Seriously! J can go through a 5 book series in a weekend! She is much faster than I am, but we both can plow through books in no time! It is fun for us. Gives us some reprieve from the stresses of our lives. It is a cheap way to escape. We get our books for free, or one of us buys them and we share. It has been great. Then, we have mini "book chats" with each other. We have been through some GREAT books and a few flops as well. We have joined each other through some awesome series and then anxiously wait with baited breath for the next book to be released. It is an exilihirating and fun ride!

"Share Your Story..." No Way!

To say that I have been struggling with my faith lately is an understatement... I have always questioned God and what I feel that he has thrown my way. I do my best to take the good with the bad and move on. However, recently, I just CAN'T. :( There seems to be just too much for me to go forward. I feel so weighed down that I cannot move. It is a horrible, suffocating feeling. Just when I think that I am feeling a bit better, something else hits and I am right back down where I was... I just feel deserted by God as far as this idea of "walking beside you.." That leaves me with no desire to go to church. I just feel strange, out-of-place... It feels wrong which I know is the worst thing to say in regards to church. But, there is no other way to describe the turmoil that surges through me right now... I go for my children. I know that they want to and that it is important for them. I also have a friend J that encourages me to go. If it were not for those 2 things, I would NOT be there. However, I push on and go. I listen to what is being said. I do. Often, I feel as though the words that are being said are for someone else. They do not apply to me. They do not seem to offer comfort or help me... :( They just seem foreign. Swell, huh? Well, last night, the lesson was about "sharing your story." Yeah. Crazy! Each of us has a story about our journey of faith and that we should be able to share our story. I sat there and literally got angry. Tears were filling my eyes as my pastor talked. Who was he? Share my story? Hell no! First, there are things that have happened in my life that are VERY sad. Second, I can tell you that there is NO ONE that wants to hear the WHOLE story. NO ONE. If my friends from near and far ever got together, boy oh boy would they have things to chat about. You see, some of them know some parts and others know others....In my 40 years, I have dealt with more sadness, tragedy, loss, and anger than ANYONE that I have ever come across. I can pretty much guarantee that. That is NOT something that you share with anyone. EVER...

It hit me like a ton of bricks last night.....

I tell myself... I tell my friends... I tell my family... "I have made peace with this move. I have made peace with the loss of the house." I have NOT.... It is NOT the actual house that I am sad about losing. It is what I am losing. I am losing the LAST connection that I have to Mom. This is it... When I walk out of THAT door, I will say my FINAL farewell to my mother. Sounds very silly to some, but makes perfect sense to me. She has been gone for 4 1/2 years, but has remained, in a very small way, with me. You see. That house was packed with memories of her...I could sit, close my eyes, and there she was. I will NOT have that once I leave. Nope gone. I will be in a place that has NO memories of Mom. She will not have spoken in any of the rooms. She will not have stepped into any of them. She will be DEAD for real. Wow. That is painful...