For the first time in many many years, I am actually going to venture out for New Year's Eve. A couple from my Sunday School class is having a party and I decided that I would go. Year after year, I stay home. Usually, I just stay at home with my kids and play games, eat snacks and watch the ball drop in New York at midnight with Dick Clark (who sadly does not even do it anymore)...New Year's ranks second to me as one of those "couple's holidays." One of the few times of the year when us single folk get to feel even WORSE for being alone. No one to kiss when it turns midnight and toast to a new better year.. I hate it. The only day worse, in my book, is Valentine's Day...

This party is going to be nice. It is "family friendly." So, the kids can come. The only thing that I am worried about is the fact that it starts at 7 PM. The twins go to bed at 7... So, I have decided that the kids will go for a short time, and then I will take them home when they get unruly and the teens can watch them while I return to the party. My friends live nearby, so it is a doable scenario...

Hoping that this will be a nice change in our holiday.. :)

I did it! I made it through my first Christmas alone. I was so worried, but I did it. I also did this and it hurt/still hurts like hell....



But, I made it through the holiday and that says A LOT!

I do not care what anyone says. It was HARD!

Yes, I have 5 kids. But, it is REALLY tough to have NO adults around you. Adult conversation and teen-with-attitude conversation are two VERY DIFFERENT things!!! To spend Christmas Eve with NO ONE is just torture after you have been used to having someone around to keep you company your WHOLE LIFE! Don't get me wrong, my Mom did not DO anything. I did all of the wrapping, assembling, etc. But, the company was nice. Once that is GONE, you miss it something awful.

I really think that I am going to plan something next year. Even if it is just a trip to Austin or San Antonio. Something. It was just dreadful to be here and alone. My worthless family (the tiny amount that we do have deserting us). Let them fend for themselves next year. My sister could have cared less (I know that this shocks many of you :P)that she was leaving me all alone...Then, she wants to text me about how much my BIL's family is stressing her out! WTF??? Your choice honey! She knows EXACTLY what they are like. My BIL's brother has NO children. Yet, they choose to go and stay with him. Not smart. Everyone knows that you do NOT do that! Childless people do NOT have child-happy homes....Then, my Uncle who has reconnected decided to continue his tradition of going to visit friends in Atlanta. That is fine, but it still hurts that he prefers friends over family. After all, you can see friends any time. Holidays should be for family...

My uncle said something about my sister and it really stuck in my mind. "You are just a back-up to Kim." "Someone to spend holidays with if there is no one else or nowhere else to go." He is right, but HONESTLY, isn't that the same with him???

No, it is pretty clear to me that my ONLY real family are the 5 people that I share this house with and that was proven to me this Christmas. So many people say that they are "there if you need them," "just like family," etc... Don't get me wrong, friends are great, but when it all comes down to it, the only people that I had to bow my head and thank the Lord with at dinner time were my children....And, that is what I will always remember.

Every year, I say that I am NOT going to go overboard in regards to the kids and Christmas. I do NOT have the $$ to do it. I suffer for months afterwards. This year, I swore that I was going to stick to it. The twins were "too young to know any different." The triplets were "old enough to understand that I just cannot afford to spend huge amounts." So, last night I got started on the wrapping and what do I discover? That I have somehow done it again! Yes, I have gone and spent too much and bought much more than I should have. There are bills sitting on the counter that I should have mailed instead and there are other more important things that I should have spent the $$ on like my car that needs inspection and plates. BUT, I have yet again spent it on my kiddos. I WILL get to those things eventually, and Christmas comes but once a year....

What can I say? I am a Santa Claus at heart. Buying presents brings me joy.... Maybe next year I will do better...???

"It's the most wonderful time of the year...."

I beg to differ....

I used to think that....

I used to LOVE Christmas. It WAS my favorite holiday. But, now that everything that meant so much to me when I was young is gone, I find it so hard to love it like that anymore....

The tiny bit of family that I have left would rather be elsewhere than with me and my children and the friends that I do have are busy with their own families...

I am trying. I REALLY am, but I just go to bed each night wishing that this week was DONE. Over. Behind us.... The fireplace looks dumb. The hooks were so evenly spaced out and now there is an empty hook where mom's stocking should be. And, WHY is mine even up? There is no one to fill it. So, that is pretty assanine... Christmas dinner...I am making NOTHING traditional because I am the ONLY one that eats it and that is just STUPID and a waste. So, that is just another thing that gets me down. No green bean casserole, no pie. Chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and rolls. That is about it. No drawing of names and picking a gift out for someone. There will be no gifts for me, and that is really no big deal, but just sad...

Like I said. EVERYTHING I have ever known and loved about the holiday. GONE.... I know that I should start to establish new traditions with my kids, but it is hard when you are starting with NOTHING........

The Search is on....

OK....I am biting the bullet and FINALLY looking for a second job.

I have tried and struggled to make things work since mom passed and the bottom line is that I just CAN'T.

Until B & B are in school and no longer need childcare, I will need another income source and THAT is THAT. I am so tired of being behind in my bills and stealing from Peter to pay Paul. Bill collectors calling ALL the time. I have made all the cuts that I think I can and the numbers are still not matching up. I cannot make up from Mom's $$. It has been a crazy game that I have been playing for nearly 2 years now.

Scary thought is WHAT will I find in this economy and will my teens FALL APART while I am working? I pray that God will watch over them while I try to earn the $$ needed to keep us afloat....

My Emotions Have Been REALLY Out of Whack Lately...

I wrote this out and it helped a little....



OK..

I have to get this out….I was sad for so long and I still am a lot, but now I have moved on to another emotion.

I am mad…So very angry…

Angry that you left so soon…

Angry that I did not really get to say goodbye…

Angry that you did not take care of yourself…

Angry that I did not get you the dog that you wanted…

Angry that you sacrificed so much while I was growing up and that I did not show more appreciation for it…

Angry that you spent so much of your life alone…

Angry that you battled with psychological illness…

Angry that you had to battle food addiction and that you were never able to win…

Angry that no one ever really saw how hard you very worked…

Angry that Baylee and Brennyn will not remember you…

Angry that you had to work 25 years in a job you hated and that was below your intellectual abilities…

Angry that you never got over my father…

Angry that your only sibling was so selfish and non-supportive…

Angry that misfortune seemed to always find you…

Angry that I was not more patient with you…

Angry that your oldest child was always so ungrateful and selfish…

Angry that there are so few pictures…

Angry that you did not get out more…

Angry that more people that I know do not know you…

Angry that the world will not know just where I come from…

Angry that my life will never be the same…

Angry that I really never appreciated your company…

Angry that I am now so alone…

Angry that I did not do what you wanted with the little bit of $$ that you did leave behind…

Angry that I cannot do what you want with your ashes…

Angry that I still get emotional when I find certain things or move things in the house…

Angry that my kids have no grandparents now…

Angry that you were never really happy…

Angry that you never found someone to love you again after my father…

Day 2 and the End of Phase 1

The day began again bright and early. The felons were awakened by the youngsters of the establishment with happy squeals of glee as their room is usally off limits on the weekends. The wee ones were happy to jump on the criminals beds and shake them until the grouchily rose out of their beds to come and join the land of the living. They ate breakfast which they served themselves and began to continue working on the list of duties that was given to them at the beginning of the day yesterday.

At 9:00 AM, they were interrupted to get dressed for church. We all loaded up and went to church and Sunday School. They were reminded how very lucky they were that they were able to go and speak to God and ask for forgiveness for what they had done. Today was Communion and that was another blessing for them and I was sure to remind them of that! When church was through, we came home and everyone had lunch after which the twins and myself went down for a nap. The boys continued to work on their list of items that they needed to complete. They knew that they only had till 7 PM to finish everything or there would be dire consequences and after the weekend they had been through they did not DARE test me to see just WHAT dire was going to entail!

I woke from my short nap with a killer migraine that I felt coming on all morning and the STRONG desire to want to just pack everyone up and head out for dinner. BUT, I knew that I was making a very important point here and that I could NOT take the criminals out to eat. So, I sucked it up and made up a pot of homemade spaghetti, sausage and garlic bread. They broke for dinner and then resumed work right after. At approximately 6:23 PM, Inmate A and Inmate B came to me to report that all of the duties on their lists had been completed. Well, I'll be darned! They actually survived Phase 1. Good for them. They were in bed at 7 PM again and BOTH of them fell right asleep...:)

Tomorrow is the first day of their school consequences and Phase 2 which is where I see how well they can follow commands left for them with me NOT right there watching and re-directing...

Day 1 for the Inmates....

Well, it was a rough day for both of my felons....

They were awakened bright and early when I was awakened by their siblings. If I can't sleep in, neither can they. There are things to get done and places to clean....

Each inmate was presented with his list of duties. They were then told that the duties MUST be completed by the end of the day tomorrow of their would be dire consequences... They were allowed to come out an have breakfast to have some energy, but they were not allowed to come out again till it was lunch time and I would let them know just WHEN that would be. So, the work began. I began to hear some tension among the criminals as one began to despise the other for his influence and power. It seems that the follower regrets following the leader as he is now working instead of attending a birthday party that he was scheduled to go to. Life is tough when you break the law.

On occasion, I would go in and lecture, talk about how hurt I was, and discuss what everyone's impression now was of them. I also imformed Inmate A that his membership to Gamefl&y was cancelled. The look on his face was one of pure shock. That is a item that, to him, is like gold. He could not believe it. He even asked me again, later in the day, if I REALLY did it. I assured him that it was true. I stated that there was NO WAY that I would continue to pay $20 a month for video games to come that he was grounded from playing. He actually teared up into his cereal at one point. Life lesson here. Just what I was going for....

By days end, the inmates had achieved a sufficient amount of work. We had discussed that they were indeed felons as the severity of their crime warranted that level of punishment. 1-2 classes=misdemeanor, 1 day=medium security level, 3-5 as in their case=HIGH LEVEL security felony! They had been informed that the grounding was infinite at this point. We will not even discuss the end until I see a report card. I already know that they will have Fs on their progress reports. So, it will be another 3 weeks after that till report cards come home. THEN, if grades are WAY up, as they should be when you are doing NOTHING but chores and school, we will talk about SLOWLY lifting some of the restrictions.

We also discussed TRUST. I really wanted them to know how important it was for them to see that they were now seen as dishonest by EVERYONE. They have lied to me, their teachers, the school, etc...I explained that trust is a VERY hard thing to try and get back and that they would have to work VERY hard to earn it from me....

Being a warden is VERY tiring. I am doing my best to be strong, firm and follow through and I HAVE been holding it together.

HOWEVER, inside, my heart is BROKEN. I had already been having a sh$tty week and I cannot get over the disappointment that I am feeling. My boys have really let me down and that is just a feeling that I NEVER wanted to have towards my children. I do not want to NOT trust them. Now, I will doubt EVERY thing they tell me, and I HATE that...Will I ever be able to trust them again? I just do not know...I also cannot help but wonder DEEP DOWN what the hell did I do wrong for this to happen???

The Pelzer Penitentiary (Opening Day)

Wow...I do not even know where to begin with these two boys of mine....???

13 years old...

I think that I lost a few seconds of my life when I listened to the voicemail from the AP of McDonald Junior Highschool telling me how very concerned they were that my boys were "out again today." He went on to state that this "brought Tylor's absences for the year up to 5 and Tobey's up to 6."

Really?? Come again??

Because last time I checked, Tylor had missed NO days of school and Tobey just the 2 that I knew about. I mean, come on, we had only been in school for 14 days thus far this year.... Oh no, he confirmed what he had said with a follow-up email. Yes, Friday was the 3rd day IN A ROW this week that my boys had not been at school!!! I was leaving for work in the morning with them dressed an ready and just ASSUMING (I guess that was MY mistake) that they were heading off to school like they ALWAYS have!

After repeated calls to the house with no answer (I pretty much assumed this would happen as they KNOW when they see Alief ISD WHO it is, but we are talking about 2 idiots who thought they could skip school and get away with it here...), I gave the AP and a district police officer permission to go to my house and GO INSIDE to bring their a$$e$ to school. They did this and made them walk to the school as Tobey's chair could not fit in the police car...

When they arrived home yesterday, the Penitentiary opened for business. I came home at 5 and called for their sister. She was loaded with the twins into the car and taken to the restaurant of her choice. The boys did NOT know this and had NO CLUE where we were going and when we would be back. As I pulled away, I gave them a call to let them know that there was peanut butter in the pantry and then hung up. When we got back, it was B & B's bedtime. I put B & B in bed and then took and empty box with me into T & T's room. I removed EVERY electronic item that they own. I disconnected the cable box and XBOX. All items were carried into my room and I said goodnight as I walked out and turned their lights off. Enough talking for that day. Now, I was going to let them wonder just WHAT was ahead for them.....

I was so motivated to lose weight. It was so important. I have been told by so many people for SO MANY YEARS. Friends. Family. Everyone. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Lose the weight and you will feel so much better. Lose the weight and you will be so much happier.

Really???

When???

I have lost 102 pounds, and I have to say that I do NOT feel it...HONESTLY, I don't. If I am going to get REALLY honest, I must say that I feel worse. Let's just let it all out here. I am like an alcoholic/drug addict. I am a food addict. So, food is my comfort. My drug so to speak. Now that I am thinner/more fit, I no longer allow myself to eat. Basically, I spend most of my day depriving myself of the ONE THING that brings me joy/pleasure. To achieve this end, I must work on it day and night. It is a constant job. It is a VERY demanding task to undertake. It is SO HARD to beat as ANY addiction is and there are so MANY moments that I just want to say THE HELL WITH THIS and quit....

How intelligent is that?

I have gotten down to almost 1/2 the size I was about 6 months ago yet I am still alone. Except, now I am alone and hungry.

Oh, but the skinny people around me say I should be happy because I can wear a size 12 jeans now and shopping is more fun. Yipee! Did you hear the excitement there?? Sorry, I tried...Shopping is not fun. I am a single Mom who is usually broke like I was before with no $$ to shop so who the heck cares WHAT size I am?? Losing all this weight has just cost me $$ because I have just had to constantly replace clothes that I outgrow...

And, it seems that EVERYTHING in the world around me revolves around food. Wow! i never realized it till I was NOT able to participate. EVERY activity is centered around food. UGH. It is so HARD...

Irony is an interesting point to ponder...

It is coming.....

Not so much with Taylar. Things are never the same with Taylar. However, I am seeing it with the boys. My relationship with them in changing. They are teens now. They no longer think that spending time with me is cool, the "attitude" is there, and other things are creeping up. Now, none of this is new. I have seen these things brewing for a few months, but I have just stopped living in the beautiful land of DENIAL and admitted to myself that my older kids are young adults now...

It is a VERY sad thing for me as it also symbolizes the beginning of ther path towards independence. I know, I know. We bitch and moan when they are younger that we CANNOT wait till they can just "do this by themselves," or " get up on their own," etc. Now that I am staring down the road that will lead to college and 3 of my kids moving on, it is a little scary. My world as I know it will CHANGE so much. I am NOT good with change. NEVER HAVE BEEN... I will miss their mean, nasty, teenage selves.

Who will I yell at?

Who will I ground?

Who will raise my blood pressure?

Who will I check on while they sleep like I have for so many years?

I am so NOT READY for this change.....

The question of the day....

Taylar's seems to recently be obsessed with the fact that I have NEVER BEEN MARRIED...She has decided to ask me daily just WHY it is that I have never found a husband??? It seems to REALLY bother her as she has her entire wedding already planned down to her dress, cake and flower girl. I do not even try to explain things to her like the fact that her sister will probably be WAY too old to be her flower girl because it is not even WORTH the effort of confusing her. I figure I will let her live in her dream for a while. What can it hurt, right?

BUT, this thing with me is making me NUTS! I just want to hurt her when she gets to obsessively talking about it in the most inconvenient places like the Walmart check-out! You just do NOT know how many times I have been tempted to turn and tell her that the MAIN reason that I have not had a husband in the past 10 years is because of HER!! 5 kids which include an autistic child does NOT do a whole lot for your dating card/resume... I know I know. I am the adult. I have refrained from acting like her and have NOT said it, but believe me when I say that I have THOUGHT IT many many many times!!!!!

The fun that is my life with Taylar just goes on...And to think that the teen years have only JUST begun...I wonder HOW MANY times we will adjust her meds? We have done it once thus far. Or, maybe I should be asking I wonder WHEN I will be starting meds??

My new job....

Well, one week down. I have to say that things have been going FAST and CRAZY! I am not yet sure if this is going to be fun or if I am going to be COMPLETELY overwhelmed! 1000 kids is a lot to teach and I realized the ramifications of that this week. It takes me 6 days just to see all of them.... That alone is a lot! I will have to get used to the fact that I will be teaching the SAME lesson for 6 days too. That was getting to me as well....

So, I think that a little adjusting is going to have to happen on my part. HOWEVER, my boss is SUPER nice, and SO FAR, the people that I work with are as well. THAT IN ITSELF is a FABULOUS thing and a key factor to happiness in the workplace.

One week....

Just one week left....
7 days....
168 hours....
And then it is back to work for me.

There is so much to do....

School supplies are not done....
Boys clothes are not done...
Backpacks for boys....
Tobey's glasses need to get repaired...

Oh and we MUST not forget that there is a CAT scan and a VCUG scheduled at the hospital the DAY BEFORE I head back. Yes, I am a complete wacko and like to live on the edge! What can I say? Those things needed to get done and I needed to NOT have to take off of work if at all possible!

So, we will have as many MOM AND ME hours as we can. We will enjoy these last few moments of summer break. And by God, WE WILL GET TO THE BEACH ONE LAST TIME before I concede my loss to work!!!!

Catiously Optimistic.....

Well, this week, Taylar actually surprised me with an act of responsibility. With her spectrum issues, I do not normally trust her in ways that I would trust the boys. I have just not gotten to that point with her yet. However, she proved that maybe I should on Friday. We went to the beach and she decided that she really did not want to go. I hesitated to leave her home by herself, but decided to give her a chance. She knows my cellphone#, and my sister's as well, and she was very adament that she did NOT want to go. If I forced her, she would have made the day miserable for everyone and NO ONE wanted that. So, I left her at home with the instructions to be safe and make the right choices and she assured me that she would. I spoke to her a few times thoughout the day and she sounded fine. On the way home, I talked to her again and it seemed like all went well. As we pulled into the neighborhood, we saw her walking home from the neighborhood pool. This was fine, but the one thing that went through my head was "Did she leave the house unlocked while she was gone?" We pull into the driveway, and she walks up and immediately says to me "you need to go in though the garage because I locked the door." I was so pleased! My girl was actually responsible. She went out and thought to lock up and be safe when she did it. That gives me hope for her and her future in many ways.

Fun in the Sun!

Every summer, I take the kids to the beach as many times as I can. I love the ocean and my children seem to share the same joy when they are by the sea. As a person with a weight problem, being in a bathing suit is not the most comfortable thing. Revealing all of your fat rolls is not something that you are real excited for all of the world to see. It does not help that there are so many overweight folks out there who have NO JUDGEMENT and NO PRIDE and will pour their bodies into anything making the rest of us who are overweight who actually try to cover our bodies just shudder...Regardless, I would get the suit that would cover up the most and a pair of shorts and hit the sand. My love for the sun and surf won over my humiliation. After all, I would never see the people at the beach again and the beach was the one place where I could calm my nerves WITHOUT the aid of meds or alcohol....

Well, this summer, has been no different as far as relaxation. In fact, this summer has been the BEST! I have to say that I have had so much fun with my kids. We have hit the beach and gone all out! Games, sandcastles, swimming, collecting shells, etc. All of the activities that I have always done, but things have just been DIFFERENT. At first, I could not figure out why? This week, I had a lightbulb moment. My weight loss! I was having so much fun with my kids because I was NOT worried/concerned about WHAT the people around me were thinking/saying. Now that I have taken off my weight, I do not feel like people are staring at me and I am so much more relaxed in public. It is so much better for BOTH myself and my children. All of us are benefitting from my decesion to be a healthier person.

I have just one thing to say: Go me!!!

Thanks be to God....

After the sad turn of events that I have been following on two different places that I frequent, I have really looked at my life again...I just have taken a few minutes to REALLY be thankful for my BLESSINGS. All 5 of them...

http://www.mycharmingkids.net/

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate/journal

Don't get me wrong. I have many days where I feel stretched with my 5....Being a single momma is not always a walk in the park.

But, to have a completely healthy child one day and to have that same child DYING of cancer the next....I just do NOT know HOW they could handle it....???? BREAKS my heart to even think about it. I went in last night and just stood in the twins' room for a good 10 minutues watching them sleep. I have done this MANY times, but last night I stood there and really watched. I REALLY memorized their faces every beautiful inch and then thanked God for every day that I have had and for all the tomorrows that I will still get because I think that we often DO forget that they REALLY ARE A GIFT!!!!!!

So, if you pray, PLEASE send a extra few up for these DESERVING families and their GORGEOUS children. They are dire need right now...

Back from Vacation....

We had such a fun time....

One that left us to return with the question that seems to almost always come to me.....

Why do I always seem to meet the nicest people the furthest away???

It is my misfortune in life...

My CLOSEST friends of late seem to live so very far away. I HATE it! I long to have someone nearby with something in common. How nice it would be to have another SMBC to be able to hang out with! Another momma of twins so close to B & B's age. Another boy/girl set to boot! What a dream....

The week was so pleasant. Nice talks, fun days, great outings. It was if we had known each other for years.... And then we had to leave.....

SMACK!!! Back to reality!

WooHoo!

School is out for summer!

5 weeks with the kids....We definitely need to have some time together. The triplets need some attitude adjusting and the babies just need some QUALITY time.

The 18 hour road trip that we are embarking on will be healthy for all of us. I am a bit fearful, but I think that it might do all of us a bit of good. I did trips like this all the time as a kid and my family was pretty healthy. So, I do not think that it will hurt at all. Now, just to convince the kids!

I am happy to at least be able to take them SOMEWHERE. I went on a family trip EVERY summer as a kid and want to make sure that I do the same for my kids. That is very important to me as I feel that it gives the kids something to look forward to...

So, here goes NOTHIN!

The REAL Meaning of the 4th....

The 4th is just fireworks and hot dogs to most. Family gatherings. An extra day off of work. Splashing by the pool... It was that to me, but this year, it has taken on more...

The boys and I have been talking about going to the Holocaust Museum for quite some time. It seems that something always came up that stopped us from doing it. Nothing intentional. It was just that life seemed to always get in the way...Well, we finally managed to get there yesterday....

You see, getting my boys there was VERY important to me. It is part of WHO WE ARE. Even though I was raised by my mom and her parents, I know that 1/2 of my roots are seeded in the Jewish ancestry of my father. So, when my boys showed the strong interest that they had in WWII, I knew that it was CRUCIAL for them to know about our family's direct connection with the Holocaust....

I did not see my dad's parents very often. However, when I did, I LISTENED. It is WHAT I DO. My family history is very important to me. I have a GREAT memory. I catalog family stories in my head very well and store them for my children and grandchildren so that they are not lost and can live on....It is IMPORTANT for us to know about our family and who/what we are all about. That means a GREAT deal to me!

So, when we walked into the museum, we were a bit quiet. It was small and nothing like the museums that we had ever been to. It was dark and dreary. Tobey kept saying that it just made him so sad. I agreed. So many things that happened to kids. That was the thing that resignated most with me. Children....Harming, Murdering, Abusing....Children....After a while, Tylor made the conclusion, "Mom, the lucky ones were killed/died before they even made it to those camps." "Yes, Tylor, you are right." It broke my heart to expose my kids to something this bad, but I knew that this was something that they needed to see. My grandmother's sister was sent to our family because her entire family perished in the Holocaust. So, our family was DIRECTLY affected. It is important. They NEEDED to know. Not to mention the fact that they are now teens and they need to know how HATE can spread like wildfire and the dammage that one man can cause with his HATE....

It was a painful, heartwrenching experience. One we were ready for, but were exhausted from after we were done. When we walked out, we all placed a stone on the memorial and agreed that the 1.5 million children that died would be remembered in our efforts to NOT let hate ever hurt anyone else. I was proud of my boys and their effort to learn about a very dark time in which none of us are very proud to speak about.....

Though photography was not allowed inside, we were allowed to take a couple outside....

In 1997, the museum got an actual rail car that was used to transport Jews to the camps. We were told that they would put up to 200 people in these cars with no food or water and the small windows that they did have were sealed shut....1/3 were usually dead by the time the cars reached their destination....







The boat here was a MUCH happier sight. This was just given to our museum 2 years ago from Denmark. These boats were used by fishermen to save the Jewish children of Denmark. In the evenings, they would put 5-6 kids in the cargo area and sail them out to Sweden. This was done every night. By doing this, they managed to save 7000 children. The boys were happy to make the connection that Brennyn and Baylee's donor is from Denmark... :)

As this day comes to a close, it also signifies the OFFICIAL time that my triplets were born!

I just CANNOT believe that I am now the mother of 3 teenagers!!!

These are the letters that I wrote to them and and taped on their doors when I went for work....

Thirteen years ago.

My life changed FOREVER

It started at 10:10 PM with you, Tobey. You came into this world with a fight that many told me you would NOT win. Doctors said that you were just too small, too broken to stay with us. Odds were against you. It was at that moment that I first saw the spirit of my oldest child. You are the bravest and strongest person that I have ever met. Though you are my smallest child in size, you are the largest in spirit, perseverance and determination. You have proven doctors, therapists and teachers wrong over and over. You have succeeded in school and taekwondo way beyond what anyone could have ever imagined. Triple Crown State champ 2008 & 2009! Through the years, my wish for you has been that you have seen that there is nothing you CANT do. I pray you see there is a world of opportunity waiting for you and that you, like anyone else, can go out there and tackle it! I have often fought hard battles to get things for you so you could see that there are things you deserve and you should stand up for those things whether or not others try to tell you otherwise. As you enter your teen years, I hope that you continue to believe in yourself and all that you can and WILL do. The possibilities for you are endless. Go show the world the Tobey Pelzer that we all know and love!





At 10:13, you, Tylor, made your entry. You came in what would later be your typical way of handling most things. You were very relaxed and laid back. You were in no rush to cry or breath on your own. You simply wanted to lie under the lights and oxihood till you had enough sleep and tanning time to handle what lie ahead. You have become a young man that I am very proud of. You are fiercely protective of your brother and younger siblings. You also have a kind and gentle side and I think that is fabulous as you will find a girl one day who will see and appreciate that. Right now, you seem to be very shy around others, but I know that will pass and you will find your place and your way. I see so much of my Poppop in you and it makes my heart smile. Your decision to enter the army is one that did scare me, but now makes me proud. Like Poppop, you show a lot of pride for our country and he would be so happy to know you and to know that one of his great-grandsons was carrying on the family tradition of military service. It is a very tough decision to make, but I know you and I know how much you have already thought about this even at your young age. I have so many dreams for you. I hope your teen years bring so much. I hope you find friendship, love, and most of all happiness with who you are. You are a great kid. You are such a wonderful brother and son. Believe in yourself and who you are and everything else will fall into place. You can reach all of your goals and dreams if you just have faith in who you really are.





At 10:15, my smallest and most anticipated, Taylar you were born. You came out kicking and screaming. You were throwing yourself around from the beginning. You were determined that you were leaving that hospital first and that you DID! Having a girl was my dream. A sweet little doll of my own to dress up and dote on. And dress up and dote on I did! You have been a willing participant all along. Always into the girlie girl things and loving to get your hair done and all dressed up! A sweet and shy little girl you were always smiling and happy. Your recent years have been very hard and I struggle with my emotions for you and what lies ahead. I worry so much. All I truly want is for you to be happy. If you could just find your place, that would be great. I know that you often feel like the world just does not understand you and I really really hate that. Please know that we are trying. We do not see or hear things the way that you do. It is very hard for us to understand what you go through when our view is so much different. There are so many people who love and care about you and we are all trying to help you be happy and successful. You just have to trust us and let us try. Always remember that Nana and Grammy are watching over and protecting you and that you are a very smart person who is capable of GREAT things!

Again, people that I thought cared have proven otherwise....

Now, I am no longer surprised. Just confirmed in my suspicions....Today is a HUGE day. I mean, how often do 3 kids turn 13 at the SAME TIME??? You would think that this would be easy. Only 1 birthday to remember instead of 3. Well, I think that it is really not a matter of remembering. Rather, more like other things are just more important....Sad for myself and my children....

I am vowing to NOT insult my Uncle Bill any longer. This year, he is THE ONLY ONE who has come through for BOTH mine and the TRIPLETS birthdays. That is more than I can say about MANY others and that is SAD!

I am just NOT able to see how people can get so "overwhelmed" with life that they can just "overlook" a birthday THIS important? Heck, ANY birthday is important. To let ANYONE (a kid is just THAT much worse) think that you just forgot their birthday is one of the lowest of lows. I have been there MANY times as a child. I KNOW how it stings. It is one of the WORST feelings in the world. It REALLY changes the way you look/see someone. I remember thinking that I must have meant very little to my Dad for him to not even be able to send a card to me on my birthday. That was a feeling that I never wanted my kids to feel....

Now, of the many people that did forget today, my SISTER was one of them! She should be ASHAMED of herself and she was one that I did NOT expect like I did of some of the others... I do not care that she is out of town. She KNEW when their birthday was and should have made arrangements. I do not care if her husband and I had a falling out. That happened BEFORE her kids' birthday yet I managed to get presents to both of them when the time came!

I guess that I need to make a list of all of these things. So, when I complain about the moments when I feel sad about not having people around and it just being myself and my kids, I can remember what having others around really brings..Just a bunch of disappointment and heartache...After all, I AM THE ONE who has to explain to the kids why it is that we give all of these people gifts and yet they give nothing to them???? Keep in mind that I am doing my best to try and teach them etiquette and just wondering how the hell I am supposed to do that when the adults around them cannot even manage to model it?

Can you tell that my kids are just a bit excited about going away?

This is what has been written on the dry erase board inside the pantry that usually has a list of what is needed from the store on it....



Too funny! I love it! It really is our FIRST big road trip as a family of 6....We shall see...

The 10 year gap.....

As we start preparing for our road trip to North Carolina, the 10 year difference in my children is alarmingly clear.....

Today, we picked up videos for the long drive...When they were laid out, the selection was interesting to say the least...








VERY different styles and choices among the 5 kids....

TGIF!

Ouch!

Oh Happy Day!

B & B were baptized on Sunday... It was a situation that I probably never thought that I would be in, but it was the right one and what I wanted. NONE of my family was there. Let me re-phrase that, none of my blood family was there. I did not invite my sister or her family. I have always regretted the fact that she and her husband are the triplets godparents as they have never made any effort to guide my children spiritually and they have never gone above the obligations of aunt and uncle even once. But, my Nana guilted me into it as she did many things when she was alive and what was done was done and can not be undone...

I was NOT making that mistake again. Nana is gone and I have found a church that I love. I feel very at home at Holy Covenant. I am one of the only single women in my Sunday school class yet I never feel out of place. Everyone is just that warm and welcoming. No, the baptism was going to finally happen and it was going to happen MY WAY. So, I invited a few friends to come as my family and that would just have to do. Serene kindly showed up with her children and Mom and it was perfect. I had a family there and it was people that loved and supported me and that was all that mattered.

It was a happy day indeed!

Achmed is a LONGTIME Friend of Mine and the Older Kids....

Now, Baylee has fallen for him...

The Pelzer Family Has a STRONG Love for Chili....

We really do



Love



Our



Chili...



Can you tell?

Week 22

So, week 22 has pulled me OUT of the rut and shown a new total of...



Yes, I am up to 97.5. 3 and 1/2 pounds this week which makes me feel so much better. Now, I just gotta keep it going...

Stuck in a rut...

This is where I feel like I have been in my diet in the past few weeks. I KNOW what I am doing wrong. I wake up each day with the intentions of having a good day, but it just seems like there is always SOMETHING that ruins it and I go to bed mad at myself for not doing my best...Now, I have not gained any weight, but I am not losing like I want to either. I have had only 1 pound losses for the past 2 weeks and that gets frustrating. I still have 29 pounds to lose to get to my 123 and 1/2 pound goal. I guess I need to REALLY get my mind back into it and focus. The summer will be a challenge, but I need to step up and GET IT DONE!!!

Words Cannot Describe the Bond Between My Big and Small Kids...

It has turned out to be so much more than I could have ever imagined....

BRAVO!

EXCELLENT show!!! Well worth it. I highly suggest it to anyone who can get a chance to catch it!