Making Sense of Things....

I am starting to really think about WHAT has transpired and WHAT I think it means for me and my family.....

I really am leaning towards NOT going forward with an Eastern European adoption...:( Sadly, I am just NOT feeling that it is the wisest choice for us anymore. As I struggled step after step trying to get things together for Nicholas, I always said that if ANYTHING went wrong, I really would not pursue another child through RR, and I still believe that I feel that way. As I peruse the photos, there is just NO CHILD that sticks out to me the way that Nicholas did from the start....

No, I am really leaning towards going forward with becoming a certified foster home. I am going to go to the orientation when they get things set-up, and I am going to do the required volunteer work. Then, I will see how I feel. I suddenly have a strong sense that there are children right here that we could be helping and that there is another family member for us just waiting to join in the future....

Nothing is set in stone, but that is where I am leaning this week, and it feels pretty right....

Want-Ad

I wonder if I could place an ad???

My requirements would be fairly simple....

MUST:
1. Keep me company during holidays when NO ONE should be alone.
2. LOVE "It's a Wonderful Life."
3. Be interested in conversation that oftens tends to ramble on and on.

With 5 kids, I still crave adult company and it just plain SUCKS! I am not asking for any $$ to be spent on me. Just the company/companionship of another adult. NEVER realized how much of this my Mom provided until I no longer had it, but isn't that ALWAYS the case?

That empty feeling....

it comes very strong for me at the holidays. I LOVE Christmas. Don't get me wrong. It has ALWAYS been my favorite time of the year. However, since my Mom died, it has been a rough time for me. This time of year is the strongest reminder of just WHAT I am missing. Mom. She too enjoyed this holiday the most and to go through it without her is hard. When I see the kids have a happy moment, I often stop and think how happy Mom would have been to see them with that much joy... It is often bittersweet for me. And, you know what? That is OK.

That said, this year is different. That empty feeling is deeper. Much worse. I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I am longing for Nicholas. My heart is worried about that sweet boy. As much as I have tried to put him in the back of my mind, I worry. I know that it will all work in God's time, but IT IS SO HARD. I think about him all alone. No one to cuddle him on Christmas Day. :( So, my heart is much sadder this year as I miss my Mom and long to hold my son who is so far away in a cold orphanage just waiting for his forever family to come and rescue him from the life that he does not deserve.

My heart... :)

This weekend refueled my heart... :)

Call me strange, but a weekend with my children will do it for me. A few quality hours with my teens (when they are in a good mood), and hours and hours with my littles will do that for me. I am easy to please. No $$, no gifts. My kids. Plain and simple. Hugs, snuggles, games, cookies, popcorn and movies by the light of the Christmas tree, chats, lots of smiles... These are the things that FILL MY TANK! :)

Interesting thing is that I was so down on Friday as I was driving to work. I was flooded with emotion as I was thinking about the twins turning 4 and just something else that my Mom was missing. Just one of those moments that takes me by surprise but hits HARD. Spending quality time with my 5 blessings was just what I needed...

Not sure WHAT is the right thing right now....

I have been talking a lot with a girl that goes to church with me...

She thinks that a local agency is a pefect "fit" for me. They do foster/adopt. They charge NOTHING when it is time to adopt... She has told me nothing but good things about the agency. I have met a few of the kiddos taht she has fostered from there and even really fell for one particular little sweetie. :) I have gone back and forth. N is MY son in my heart. He feels like MY child already. However, am I fighting an uphill battle? Will I ever get up the $$ I need? Sometimes, it is a scary, frustrating battle... :(

I bit the bullet and made an appointment for an orientation with the agency on January 12th. It means nothing right now. No committment by myself or them. Just a chance for me to see EXACTLY what they are about and IF that is a good fit for my family. I am still actively pursuing N, but I have said that IF he is snatched up my another family, there is really no other child at RR that calls to me....

So, I guess this is a sort of back-up plan right now... Just going to dip my toes in and see what it is like. I have ALWAYS been interested in foster care. So, I might still go through with it just to be able to help out...