Much Better...

Well, My birthday was much better than Mother's Day and Valentine's day. I do have to say that Tylor asked several times for me to take him to the store so he could get a gift. So, we went to the store yesterday and I picked out a nice purse that I liked and NEEDED since mine had been stolen a while back. We went to the mall and got my favorite kind of cake which is a cookie cake and then bought the ingredients for homemade queso on the way home. Oh, I did also use an Old Navy coupon that I had for 40% off any one item which was good till the 31st..

Here is the cake that we got...


The goodies that I found at Old Navy. The t-shirts were $3 yesterday which was awesome since I have NO shirts that fit me. I know that some people think that is GREAT, but it is NOT if you do NOT have the $$ necessary to replace all of the clothes that no longer fit you! On the right is a dress which is another FIRST for me. It is a sundress, and I have to say that it is just adorable! A little toning up of the arms and it will just be the perfect "going out" dress!


The purse that I found at my FAVORITE store (Charm$ng Charl$e). It was only $30 and is just adorable!


So, I have been pleasantly surprised with my birthday this year thanks to a little push by me and a small effort from my kids. I guess it just takes a little from everyone!

Seasons

I guess that I have not thought about the seasons that things in life go though as often as I should and how profound it REALLY can/does affect me. I realized it last night. I went to B's graduation party. B is a girl that I used to babysit when I was in college. I was VERY close to her and her family. I would go on trips with them, house-sit for them, and I even cared for B when I was pregnant with the triplets and she got the chicken pox. They were like a second family to me. I had not seen them for a while and was VERY happy to go last night and catch up with them as I realized that I had REALLY missed them. It was such a pleasant night!

I drove home with a feeling that I had not had before. It was sort of a mixture of pride, sadness and joy. I am so proud that B is now an adult and moving on to college/ROTC and medical school, but I am sad that she is grown and those years of that sweet little girl are long gone. I have such joy when I think of all the great memories that I have with her and her family! The seasons of life are something that somehow blow right through us and, boy oh boy, they ARE gone before you even realize it!

I have to moan for a minute or two....

I have done so well for about a year and a half. I have not had any overdraft fees. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I am the overdraft fee "queen." I am telling you people that the bank has sent some kids to college on all of the $$ that they have collected from me in overdraft fees alone over the years.

I just have to take a moment to look at something that should be painfully clear to everyone and ask WHY no one has come forward to look out for the "everyday Joe" so that we do NOT get screwed like this?

Here they are:
$5.39
$8.39
$26.72
$31.00
$56.54

These are the 5 transactions on my account that caused me to go negative and thus caused me to have the overdraft charges. Now, what frustrates me the most is the fact that my EZ TAG (covers the $$ for the toll roads) hit which is $80. I am never positive EXACTLY when that is going to hit (you must keep the $80 balance in your account) and thus cannot plan for EXACTLY when I should have the $$ in there for it. That hitting made me short for these items by one day. Yea, I know, PERFECT timing!

The screwing that I am FUMING about is the fact that the bank is ALLOWED to charge me $35 for EVERY one of those transactions...That is just so flippin frustrating! I mean, come on! There should be some sort of law that limits how much a bank can charge. The fee should be NO MORE that the transaction itself. I mean, really? $35for $5.39? How can you even BEGIN to JUSTIFY that? If you look at the list above, ONLY ONE of those is more than the fee that I was charged for EACH of them. So SAD!!! I paid $40 for B & B's Jack in the Box meal. Hope they enjoyed those fries because they were like $5 a piece...Not to mention the fact that the fees do nothing more than put someone who is already struggling in even worse financial circumstances. They were already short the $$ to cover the checks, so let's charge them $35 per check to cover them. Yeah, that makes complete sense...$175 that I did NOT have. I know it is my fault, but ahhhhhhhh. It just infuriates me...I made a deposit the NEXT day and had a direct deposit coming in the NEXT day. You would think they would take that into consideration too...

UGH...

OK...Got my anger out...

Throughout my diet journey, it has all been about the PANTS...

I began the whole thing in January in a size 24....

Here I am now....





This is my newest pair which is a 12!!!!! I have about 30 pounds left in my ULTIMATE goal and only 8.5 left in my 100 pound goal...Progress is so nice!

For Archiver's Night Tonight, I Bribed the Gals with More of Nana's Goodies....

This time, it was...







Caramel Bars

And





Butterscotch Squares

The Caramel Bars were really good, but they were gooey and kind of messy which is NOT a fabulous idea for a bunch of gals who are scrapping. The Butterscotch Squares were just HEAVEN!!!! YUMMY!!! This little deal just works out great for everyone. I use all of their nifty little gadgets and they get all of the yummy baked good that I make for them! Something for everyone....

Sometimes, even the most BRILLIANT doctors just don't know the TRUE power of a heart's will...

The tiny baby that was supposed to die, would "never crawl," and was highly likely to have severe learning disabilities performed last night right beside his brother who is double his size in their very first band concert. Oh, they were reading the same music and Tobey's instrument weighs twice as much as Tylor's...

What were you saying again doc???

So, I have been pondering the saying "There is someone for everyone..."

As a young girl, I believed it. I REALLY did. I was the fairytale follower all the way. The happier the ending, the more I liked it. I dreamed of my knight in shining armor. My prince charming. There was someone for everyone, right? My day would come. I just had to wait... I was firm in my belief.

As I got older, I met the man that I thought was THE ONE. Our relationship was wonderful. It was strong, powerful, and for 4 years, the best thing that I ever had with a man. We were to be married. I thought he was my "happily ever after...." Then, his "extra-curricular" activities brought everything to a screeching hault and sudden end... Suddenly, my beliefs in that special someone were questioned??

Years have passed. I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children. Raising these kids has brought me so much joy and I thank God for every day that I am able to share with them.

However, my personal life has been empty. I have had NOTHING since that relationship with R. Our engagement ended 15 years ago, and I have had very little personal fulfillment since. The few men that I have encountered that show ANY interest usually run for the hills for one of 3 reasons:
1. They find out that I have 5 kids
2. They find out that I have 2 kids with disabilities
3. They see what I actually look like

So, I have come to a conclusion on this idea and here it is: I really do believe that there is someone for everyone, but I think that there are some catches to it...

1. I think that some of us have already met our someone and that we just blew our shot at it. So, that was it for us...

2. Others had a special someone and unfortunately, that person fell onto some really unfortunate circumstances and now you will not get to be with him.

3. I also think that there are some people who are not going to meet their "someone" till they get to heaven. Maybe their someone is waiting for them. Just up there. Arms wide open...

It is a different perspective, but one that helps me to make sense of just why I am where I am. I am honestly not positive yet on which one of those is mine, but I do have a sneaky suspicion that it was #1. Based on the way my circumstances and situations have played out in my life, it seems to make the most sense...

Just Going Through the Motions

There is so much to do....

This is the busiest time of the school year....

So many errands to run....

Activities for the kids....

Things that need to get done....

Papers signed and closed out...

Grades into the computer....

Students need to be kept calm these last days....

I am going through the motions but just do not feel like I am actively involved...

Life is taking over...I think that I will just step away for a minute or two...



Oh wait! Silly me! That is NEVER an option...

**DING DING** Answer to The Question About a Very Odd Obsession of Mine....

I have a rather strange interest in reading blogs that most people would rather not...I read about people with kids that are quite sick. People ask why I read them? What would draw me to read about such things day after day? It is so sad and depressing. Yet, day after day, I am there reading on and on. I am a very loyal reader of the blogs that I do read. I follow all of the sicknesses and hospital stays of these people and their children. My heart breaks with them as their children ride the roller coaster of illness and they fight the emotions that go along with it.

Last night, I realized just WHY I do it. As I sat on my living room floor helping my almost 13 year-old clean up himself, I fought back the tears. THIS IS GOING TO BE HIS LIFE. We have not been able to find ANY reason for the problems that have been cropping up. The REALITY (I believe) in this is that he will still have issues like this in 5 years, 10 years, etc. How demoralizing.... I cannot imagine what it would feel like for a man to be on a date with a woman and all of a sudden realize that he has crapped on himself. How fair is that? You see, I read the blogs of people with really sick kids because it helps me AVOID my life. I can see that there ARE people out there who are dealing with issues FAR GREATER than what I have. Because, let me tell you this, in the world that I see around me, I KNOW NO ONE who has anything EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE! My friends go about their lives and everything is sunshine and roses. They are happy and I am honestly so thrilled for them. I am! Nothing brings me more joy than the happiness of the people that I love. Some of them try to be sympathetic to my situation with Tobey, but they do not get it, and honestly, I am glad that they do not get it. NO ONE should ever have to go through what me or that kid have dealt with. There are just times that the reality of what lies ahead for my son is a bit too much for me. My heart aches at the thought of him ending up alone as I am. I believe that God has chosen for me to be alone, but I just cannot believe that God would give Tobey that burden on top of everything that he has to deal with. He is so close to his brother and I want him to realize that he needs to make a life without his brother because his brother WILL move on. So, I need to focus on teaching Tobey to find avenues that he can go down that will help him meet people so that he can have his own life and be his own person. I want so much for him...

So, I will follow my blogs. My own way of having a bit of denial in the sense that I get an escape from my reality to sympathize with someone else's because their issues far outweigh mine. This way, my issues seem MUCH LESS overbearing and crushing. Yes, reading and following these blogs, at times, gives me the air that I need when I feel like I cannot swim in my own life....

An Outlet....

I am starting to find an outlet for myself here at home. I am discovering that I have so much more of my Nana in me than I ever really acknowledged. I can bake REALLY well. I can. Lately, I have been doing so much of it. When I say bake, I do not mean the box cake stuff. I mean the EVERYTHING from scratch recipes. Even the crusts of the recipes that I have been using are homemade. See, if you knew my Nana AND Nanny at all, you knew that they did NOT cut corners when they baked or cooked. They did not use store-bought or "low-fat" ANYTHING. They believed in the natural RICH way that they were taught as were all the generations before them.... The things that they made were just delicious. You would have NEVER tasted a cheesecake like my Nana's. Her crumbcake, creme puffs, etc. Oh my! Just typing it takes me back. Now, I have not ventured to try any of these top-notch favorites, but I have been dabbling in some of the smaller easier ones and they have been coming out quite well. The lemon bars that I made for Archiver's night came out scrumptious. Then, I made some Texas-coleslaw and dirt cake the next day for my SS class' Crawfish Boil and those were good as well.



These creations have been nice outlets for me. It has been fairly therapeutic. Smiles on the faces of people who enjoy something that YOU have made for them brings quite a nice feeling upon you. If you get a chance, you should try it sometime. While some recipes can be a challenge, it is exciting and an adventure that friends and family will enjoy you taking and sharing with them!

After a few speed bumps and medical mishaps in the past 2 weeks, I am FINALLY UNDER 200 pounds. I am promising myself to NEVER let the scale read 200 again. I firmly believe that I CAN do this. I WANT to achieve this for myself, my children and most importantly, MY LIFE! I still have around 40 pounds to go, but the journey is still going strong!!!

Well, the visit today was a tiny bit of a relief....

After the doctor read and re-read my chart, she discovered just WHY she thinks that my blood pressure and pulse have spiked of late. She feels that I have always had elevated levels and that one of my long-term migraine meds was inadvertently keeping it down for me. In January, she had stopped my Inderal as we had upped the Topomax and I was doing so well on it. She had thought that less meds was better. As she said today, "better is only good IF you do NOT need it." Well, Inderal is a beta-blocker and it might have been doing this for me all along without us knowing. So, I now have to keep records of my pulse and blood pressure 2X a week over the next month while I am back on the Inderal to see if there is an inprovement. If the readings are better, problem solved. If not, I will be referred on to a cardiologist. I pray for the first!!!!

Have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow....

My diet has been at a standstill for the past 2 weeks. Actually, I have put on 2 pounds. I am angry at myself. I need to go tomorrow and get the news I want from my doctor so that I can resume my diet program where I left off. She has stopped one of my medications and thus I have kind of been in a plateau...My not-so-good eating has NOT helped either! I have 40 more pounds that I want to lose. Then, I planned to join Weight Watchers to maintain my loss. PLEASE say a prayer that tomorrow brings in the news that I NEED!

How she is blossoming...

So, this is the day that I HATE...I tried to just choose to NOT celebrate it, BUT

everywhere I go it is THERE.

Mother's Day THIS and Mother's Day THAT. Commercials, Cards, Cakes, Flowers, Blog entries, Board posts, etc. There is virtually NO PLACE that I have been that has not acknowledged this STUPID holiday in some way. Even Old Navy was having you put your name on the back of a piece of receipt paper if you were a mom today for a drawing. Why, I ask? Why??? Honestly, What is the frickin point? Must I be reminded of the fact that I have no mother or grandmother anymore? Must I be reminded of the fact that I am mother to some of the most self-centered, thoughtless kids? Apparently, the powers-that-be think so...

From where I sit, I REALLY just wanted to skip it. I DID. My Mom and Nana were FAR from perfect, but there was one quality that they had that I was PROUD to have inherited. That was the gift that we all 3 seemed to have for generosity. Yes, from a small girl on, I have always found great pleasure in giving to others. You can ask ANY of the people that I used to babysit for. I would spend what little money I did earn on THEIR kids. I loved to see the joy on the faces of people when I would give them gifts. In fact, I still do. That is one of the reasons that I chose the profession that I did. I knew at a very young age that giving to others was very meaningful to me and thus teaching would be a perfect career for me. I still spend more $$ on those around me than I ever do on myself. I am just not one to buy for myself. It is not something that I am used to doing. I am so used to always doing for others that it does NOT come naturally for me to actually take a moment to do something for me.

This is why I just want to forget these assinine holidays that just stand to remind me that SOMEHOW NONE of my 3 children have inherited that gift of generosity that I hold so dear. On the contrary, my children are quite the opposite to the point that it makes my nauseated. My children to not have a single thought for anyone other than themselves.

Tonight, I was in Walmart with Tylor and Taylar. As we walked through the store, I saw children there with their Dads, Uncles, grandparents, siblings, friends, etc. They were busily digging through what was left of the cards to hurry and choose one for tomorrow, while others were looking through flowers to choose a nice batch. In another area, I saw kids debating on which cake was "mom's favorite" for tomorrow. Some were so serious in their selections as this was so important. My son was oblivious to all of this. He walks stright to the video games. As Taylar and I grab the groceries that are necessary, he returns and proceeds to ask me if he can buy a $40 game. Now, mind you, he only has $25. He want to borrow the rest from me. I want to just scream and yell and shake him, but I am just so hurt that I can't. My child has $25 to spend on whatever he chooses and he does not even think to MAYBE pick up a $2 card for Mother's Day for Mom. Nope, instead he asks to borrow $19 (when tax is added) to buy himself a video game which he does NOT need!

This is when my heart officially broke...

When people think I am crazy for saying that I just want to skip these days, THIS is why! Valentine's Day this year was TERRIBLE. I woke up to NOTHING (not a handmade card or anything) and Mother's Day will be the same. The heartache from knowing that your kids are just that self-centered and that they care that little about you is just too much. The most upsetting thing to me is that this is the one characteristic in my sister that I despise the MOST! I just cannot believe that all 3 kids have it!!

My Nana or Mom made sure that this kind of thing did not happen, but they are both long gone now and I think that the best thing is for me to just acknowledge that these holidays died with them because I have no adult around to help out with my thoughtless children. I can only pray that their is hope for Brennyn or Baylee. Maybe 1 out of 5???

Welcome to Holland

by
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures and a couple by habit.

This year nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son. Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter. Patron saint, Cecelia."

"Rutledge, Carrie; twins. Patron saint, Matthew."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it."

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has her own world. She has to make her live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you." God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps - "selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'". She will never consider a "step" ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle, and will know it!"

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice....and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side".

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid-air.

God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."