I have decided that I am done. I will no longer burden friends with requests of prayer and positive thoughts. Time after time, I request that others do this for me and Tobey and it just seems like a waste of time and energy. My poor sweet son has been gifted with my misfortune. Why, I do not know? He seems to fall into the same hard luck that I have my entire life. I have tried over and over to see that it was not so and to hope that things would look up, but it is just painfully clear that it is true. Over the past 12.5 years, he has fallen into pretty much every bit of bad luck that he could possibly find and almost everything that can happen to a kid with SB has happened to him...

I just wish that I could discover why Tobey and I have to live lives of such turmoil?

Sending up a prayer to the Gods that help keep small bodies still in MRI machines....

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let Tobey get through this 3 hour scan that he has at 8 AM . He was so very tired after all that we have dealt with this week (the ER fiasco on Tuesday did NOT help)...I FORCED him to stay up till midnight and then let him hit the hay. I will get him up at 6 AM. He will get some light sedative and then sent into the machine.

Those of you who pray, PLEASE send them up at 8 AM CST.

Thank you!

The number for Week 7.....

Officially, it is 44.5....

Still going strong! I am definitely on a mission!!!!

One Year Ago Today....

February 24, 2009

Mom-

I cannot believe that it has been one year. The past year has just been one filled with so much change. I honestly have to say that I really did not realize how much you were a part of my life, and since you have been gone there has been such a void.

I need to start by apologizing for a few things…
I am so sorry that I folded and gave into Kim in regards to the $$ that you left behind. I know that is NOT what you wanted, but I really did feel that my relationship with her was worth the sacrifice. She is so very broken Mom and she needs a bit of help in trying to mend her heart and soul.
I am sorry that I did not get a chance to tell you just how much I appreciated all that you sacrificed to give me and Kim all that you did while we were growing up. As a single mom myself, I know ALL-TO-WELL just how hard that was.
I am sorry that I have not yet buried you with your grandparents. That is just one thing that I CANNOT do at this time. It probably sounds stupid, but having you at the house gives me a small sense of security. It is like, in some small way, you are still here. I WILL get to it one day. I PROMISE. I just need a little more time..
I am so very sorry on that last day that I just stood there frozen as they reached for the paddles. I wanted to shout out for them to stop, but I was physically unable. It was like a nightmare for me and I just could not believe that this was really happening. I am glad that Kim had the courage to say it and that you were not put on the life support that you did not want.

Kim and I are slowly mending our relationship. And, although the hill is steep and the climb is hard, I do believe that we are getting there. Kim has her own demons that she has to battle and she is working on it. I am glad that she has gotten to the point that she now admits she has a problem and is seeking help.

I still talk to and attend a show here and there with Uncle Bill. He is his distant self, but I keep him informed through email on occasion as he prefers.

The kids are healing and moving on. I still worry daily about the triplets as middle school is proving to be a tad bit more challenging than we thought. Taylar was doing well till she lost her favorite teacher just a few weeks ago and is now lashing out at home by hitting. Hopefully we will get her back on track soon from this upsetting change. Tylor is still so sensitive and sweet. I worry so much about him as he continues to struggle to make friends. Tobey continues to be his best friend, and I just wish that he would make more. Tobey is in a really bad place both medically and academically. His tethered cord is now symptomatic and we are now seeing the academic issues that we were warned his chiari could cause in Math. All of this has happened in the past month or so, and has been quite hard for me to take in stride as I just hate to see him struggle in so many areas.

The babies are just thriving and growing. Baylee is quite the boss and also a very big talker. She is definitely in charge of the house and most are submissive to her. Brennyn is still the sweet gentle guy who is just happy to sit on my lap and suck his thumb. He is not talking as much, but he is adding words every day. What I find interesting is that he looks at your picture and always lovingly says “Mommy.”

It has been a long year, and I do hope that this upcoming year is a bit easier. So, I will take a few moments to pause today and remember how complete the family was when you were here. As we create new memories, I am hoping the hole will become smaller. Though we will never forget, the day that we can smile when we remember will be a joyous one. The tearful remembrances are so hard and trying. Thinking of you…

Love-

Jenn

Cautiously Optimistic

I think that I have a sitter.

I am afraid to get too excited, but it looks like it will be good. I have found a lady who is a SAHM to a 3 year-old boy. She is looking for some extra $$. Her rate is VERY reasonable and she is going to take the twins, but NO MORE kids. She will take the kids on play dates, to the park, and even to the outdoor water play area that is opening down the street from her house in a month. She has an extra room in her house that she will set up her son's old crib in, and she has plenty of room in her SUV for 3 car seats. Oh, and she is also willing to take them to Mother's Day Out in the fall...

She is only about 10 minutes out of my way as I head into work.

Sounds so good. I hope it really is as good as it looks. We are set-up to meet her next Saturday and the kids will begin the Monday after Spring Break.

Keep your fingers crossed.

Worried...

I have called everyone that I know...No childcare options yet...I only have 3 weeks to get this set up...

This next week...

There is so much to do....

I HAVE to line up a sitter....

Get ready for a sub....

Tobey has his MRI....

Oh and the anniversary is in there too...

This is for D...

You see, D is my BEST friend. How do I know this? Well, for one, This arrived yesterday JUST IN TIME.....



This is a VERY bad time for me. D seems to be the only one that knows this. How might you ask does she know? She just does. Does she see it in my face? No. She lives far far away in cheese land. Does she hear it in my voice? Probably when we get a minute or two to chat, but mostly, she just knows. We just have that kind of bond.

D and I met almost 11 years ago. We share a bond that I share with no one else that I know. We are both SB moms and that thread ties us deep. Our bond has kept us strong through the years. We have held each others hands through surgeries (even if it is through a phone line) and MANY other NON-SB things that have popped up in our lives. We seem to know each other in ways that no one else does. We both just have this 6th sense about each other that always baffles us. We send each other hundreds of emails throughout the week. Cards always manage to arrive just in time to save the day or bring on that smile. Each always seeming to know just what the other NEEDS to hear. We might not always agree on politics and other things, but that has never stopped us from being a constant source of love and support for each other.

D...You really ARE my ROCK. Thanks for being YOU! I do LOVE YOU!

And, for week 6.....The number is......

Actually, it is officially 36.5!

Still happily chugging along!

I bought myself 2 new pairs of pants yesterday and....

They were 2 sizes smaller than what I was wearing just 2 months ago!!!

Now, THAT feels good!!!!!!!

Well, it is over!

I have just finished the LAST of the "first" holidays without mom. They have all passed. It has been a horrible horrible year, and I am just glad to have it behind me. I honestly have to say that I never realized all that mom did for me until she was gone. It really IS "the little things" that you miss when loved ones are gone. Like Valentine's Day. She used to always make sure that the kids picked out something special to give me when I got up in the morning. It was nothing big, but always a little something that lifted my spirits. This morning, it felt so strange to get up to nothing. Just another punch-in-the-gut reminder that she was gone. I had my gifts for the kids, but they had nothing for me, and I really do not even think that they remembered that they forget which is good since I did not want them to be upset....Sigh...

I hope that, in the next year, the holidays are a bit easier to get through as we begin new traditions and share happy memories of old...

I have been wanting to write this for a long time but just could not put my thoughts down in a coherent manner

Valentine’s Day

To many, this day is the most romantic of the year. Pink and red, hearts and flowers, lovers holding hands, and romantic dinners by candlelight. All of the things little girls dream about. One day, Prince Charming will come and all of these things will happen. We see it in all of our favorite movies. So, why not? I know that I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I dreamed about it. I hoped for it. I wished for it. Some day…

As a little girl, I did have a Prince Charming of sorts. My Poppop. Every Valentine’s day, Poppop made sure that all of the girls in the house had a special gift. He was careful to pick out everyone’s favorite and he always seemed to know just what THAT was. It was perfect and I never felt like I was missing out on anything.

In my late teens I did find Mr. Right. It was all that that I imagined; happiness, romance, and I was suddenly unaware of those single women out there who were just where I was at one time. I lived in my moment of bliss and forgot about the others who were in their own lonely pain. Well, after just 4 years, I was reminded as my engagement was painfully ended and I was alone yet again. I turned into an a sad, bitter person and crawled into my lonely shell on Valentine’s day so that I could avoid those smiley happy couples who just seemed to literally drip with love and happiness. My Poppop was gone and I had no one to brighten my day. All of that was just a memory for me.

As I have gotten older, Valentine’s day evolved for me. The resentment that I had built up remained with me in my early twenties. I just could not get past hating people who seemed to be so happy. I always wondered why they deserved it more than I did? What had I done to deserve this? What was wrong with me? When I had the triplets, I decided to change my perspective. I focused on them. I spent the day making sure that they knew how much I loved them and how precious they were to me. For the next 10 years, this remained my focus. My Mom added to this by lovingly taking the kids and letting them get a special little gift for Mom “from the heart.” It was always something special and it was always just a PERFECT something that just brightened my day. Knowing that the kids helped made it that much more special. Valentine’s day was no longer such a miserable time. That said, I do believe that somewhere deep down, I always harbored that secret longing that I had as a young girl for that knight in shining armor. Would I have admitted it? Never, but I do believe that it was there….

In 2005, my Valentine’s day view was change yet again. Unfortunately, this was NEVER a perspective that I wanted and one that I do fear that I will never be able to get rid of. For the first time in my life, I sat and watched someone that I loved as much as my mother die. At 32 years old, I felt like a child. I heard what the doctor was saying. I understood all of the terminology. I was Tobey’s mom. Medical jargon was not new to me. However, it was like a dream. As I saw her heart rate get lower and lower, I kept watching and waiting for her eyes to open and for her to talk to me. Miracles happen every day, right? The doctor said that it would be fast, but he did not know my Nana. She was tough and the doctor was baffled at how long her heart did end up holding out. Leave it to Nana to shock them right until the end! Finally, the heart rate reached 0 and the line was straight. I just sat there and stared. It was peaceful. I held her hand the whole time and she let go very gently when she went. That was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. It was my biggest loss.

Now, I try so hard to find joy on Valentine’s day. It is so hard. A huge loss is not easily forgotten. The kids and I talk about what a great day it was for Nana. What a splendid reunion that was for her. All of the loved ones that she had missed so dearly and some of them had been gone for so long. I have decided that my Nana left me a gift on that Valentine’s day and it just took me a while to stop and see it. You see, she left small pieces of herself behind. The best part of that is that she left these pieces in my children and it amazes me that I get to keep all of these gifts to myself and enjoy them each and every day.
In Tobey…I see COURAGE in the face of obstacles
In Tylor…I see DEVOTION for family
In Taylar…I see HONESTY and anyone who knows Taylar knows that she will tell you just what she thinks as did Nana
In Baylee…I see a FIESTY zest for life
In Brennyn…I see a SMILE that is warm, welcoming and can light up a room

So, while most enjoy this day for all of the commercialized reasons that keep the chocolate and flower companies in business, I will simply take a moment and squeeze each one of my kids and look deep into their eyes. Then, I will remind each one of them just how wonderful he/she really is and that Valentine’s day reminds me that each one of them has a gift that makes them a perfect addition to our family. I have been honored with gifts that will never wilt, melt, or make me fat. Best of all, these gifts are mine to keep forever!

Trolls

I have been on the internet for a while, but have honestly not had much experience with trolls. I knew they were out there and have had some people draw my attention to them, but I guess that their behavior has never directly affected me so I have never really been bothered by them. Today, that changed. I had a troll do something that I found really offensive. I just cannot fathom how someone would lie about a medical procedure and a hospital stay? It saddened and stunned me at the same time. People like that should be ashamed of themselves. Issues like that are very serious to some and are not something that people should be lying about...

And for week 5.....

After an out of town conference.....
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Eating out 4 times.
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Giving in and eating that sample box of Whitman's chocolate that I got from a vendor at the conference that was just calling my name....
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In case those of you in other states are wondering just WHAT we spend our tax dollars on here in Texas...

It DOES say "Watch for ice on bridge"

Yes, these are at EVERY bridge here.....

And for the record, I think that I have seen snow and/or ice 3 times in the 35 years that I have lived here.

This is the number for the week...

Yes. At week 4 of my diet, I have lost 27 pounds! I am trying so very hard this time and there is one huge difference. This diet is for me! Yup, after 36.5 years of putting others first, I have decided to put Jennifer first. I am losing weight and trying to be healthier for ME! It may sound a bit selfish, but I think that it is time for me to be that way. The way I see it is that by being this way everyone around me will ultimately benefit too. Losing weight will make me a healthier and more active mom. So, the kids will have a mom that is more energetic and lives longer. A thinner me will mean more to friends and co-workers. So, that is a plus for my job as well. All around, putting Jenn first seems to just benefit everyone!

Here's to those pounds continuing to come off. I have a LONG way to go, but I think that I am off to a GREAT start!