Im mentally preparing myself....

I KNOW that it is coming...

Tobey's wound is worse than before. If that is even possible. There is even some necrotic tissue. It makes me physically ill to look at it. Just the thought that we spent SO MUCH time trying to heal that thing and had gotten SO CLOSE to be healed up to be BACK TO THE BEGINNING makes me so upset!

Tobey has had wounds here and there all his life, but NOTHING like what we have been battling this past year. This thing is relentless. It will NOT go away.... It won't. I just want to fall to the ground and cry...

I can't do another HUGE hospital stint again. I can't. The last one about killed me.... :(

Thanksgiving....

Thanksgiving this year was good and bad...

It was wonderful to have an entire week off with the kids. I really did enjoy the time off with them. We had some great "quality" time. That was needed and appreciated. We did not have much money, so we did not really do a whole lot.

We caught "Arthur Christmas" which was quite cute, but did not do much besides that. We watched several TV movies, put up our Christmas tree and house decorations. By the end of the week, I had just felt like my tank was full in the sense that the little kids and I were able to cuddle when we needed it and the big kids and I were able to have some good chats which is always important. :)

Now, the not so good..... My sister is leaving. Moving to Nevada. I know I know. One would think that is a good thing by the way that I talk about her. It still hurts. She is the LAST of the family that I have left. So, I cannot help but feel like this is another death of sorts for me. As much as she can drive me nuts, and trust me she CAN DRIVE ME INSANE, I WILL miss her. :( I will miss my ONLY niece and nephew. In my financial state, I know that I will never see them as I will NOT have $$ to buy 6 plane tickets. Ever...

And just when I prayed for something to come through for

the holidays....

It did... :( It the form of my brakes going... :(

Yup. Completely.

I will say that I was lucky in the sense that my friend's husband stepped up and offered to fix them for me. BUT, that is only after I came on FB an begged for someone to PLEASE help me out. I had NO CHOICE. I was desperate!

It added $50 to what I already owe my sister which I hate because I HATE owing her even $.05 as it is just something that she can hold over my head. But, what choice did I have???

Christmas Countdown 2011 - Find out how many days until Christmas 2011

Christmas Countdown 2011 - Find out how many days until Christmas 2011: Set www.xmasclock.com as your homepage to count the number of days until Christmas 2011!

Depressing...

This is going to be the worst Christmas ever...

I have bought the kids pretty much nothing. I still have virtually no money, and just when I think that I have an extra $1 or two, something goes wrong. :( I honestly do NOT know what I am going to do?? I thought I would be able to get a few gifts with this check as I only had to pay for one week of the sitter and then Monday comes and....Dead car battery. :( So, there goes my extra week of sitter $$. I only have a few things for Baylee and a couple of small things for Brennyn...:( Nothing for the triplets. Add to that the fact that I have to start buying food for the triplets to bring lunch and it is NOT good... :(

I just pray for something to come through so that I am able to put something under the tree for my kids. Anything....

Not even going to hang my stocking. No reason. Absolutely no way that I will be filling mine if I can barely fill the kids...

I will be getting nothing for Christmas. But, that is nothing new... I HATE my mom being gone. She made certain things like this did not happen...

My Dreams

Every time I think that I have forgotten. I get sad because the memory is leaving me, it seems to happen.

I have a dream.

I know it sounds completely insane, but it is true. Whenever I think that I have lost the memory of those who have left this earth, they visit me in my dreams. What is even more amazing about this is the fact that I am someone who rarely remembers her dreams. So, when I do, it is definitely a worthy moment.

Two separate times, I have thought that I was forgetting my Poppop's voice only to have him visit AND speak to me in a dream just days later....

Wonderful and amazing. I am very thankful...

Stability

Stability seems so very hard to find.

Just when I seem to reach it in one area of my life, I lose it in another. It feels like a race. A race that I do not want to be in. You see, running was my weakest area when I was young. I could only run a short distance in PE and then I had to stop and walk. My asthma would stop me.

Even now, I am just beat down and worn out. I CANNOT go the distance. Working every day in one area or another to try and maintain the stability that I need, is HARD. Sometimes, too hard.

I just want/need a break. A day or two where everything feels good/right and I do not feel like I am going under/drowning.

Is that just too much to ask for?

Holy crap. I thought I left high school like 20 years ago....

Seriously...

Another area in which my sister and I do not mesh is her filter. Or, her LACK of one. She seems to think that it is OK to say whatever she wants whenever she wants. She does not care if it is mean or hurtful. I used to just take it and move on. However, now that I am nearly 40, I have realized that I do NOT have to do that. What she is doing is actually abuse and there is absolutely NO reason why I need to endure it. So, I have begun to distance myself from her in situations where I know that she will upset me more than usual.

One of these places is FB. I got so tired of her flaming me for my posts on FB. My FB is my FB. I should feel like I can say whatever I want and not have to worry that I am going to get a call from Kim in regards to it. So, I made the executive decision, after a HUGE falling out, to UNFRIEND her. I would then feel safe posting whatever I wanted and she would not be harassing me about it. Right?? I thought so...

Until this week. She calls me and inquires about a posting of my on FB. Huh? How the he** does she know what I posted on FB? Yeah. That would be because we are still in high school and apparently people (mutual friends) think that they need to phone my sister and discuss my postings with her. WTF??? I am livid! Of course, she refused to tell me WHO it was, and we have SEVERAL mutual friends so it is hard for me to narrow it down. But, I put a warning on my FB for people to stop.

Grow-up folks and give me a break. When I graduated from high school, I meant to leave it behind. Those who brought it with them need to stay away from me!

Am I crazy? Maybe...

I really am strongly thinking about moving....

Yup. If I could do it now, I would. However, finances do not allow it. Also, I will not move the triplets while they are in high school. I am STRONGLY considering it as soon as they graduate.

I am tired of the heat, and I am tired of not having friends or family around who want to be involved in me and my kids' lives.

So, I am going to head East. Yeah. I think that we are going to go to NC. We have very dear friends there, they have much nicer weather, and from what I have seen/hear the cost of living is very similar.

I make very few HUGE decisions in my life, but this is one that I feel will be beneficial/positive for both myself and my children. I have a few years to get my affairs in order. So, J, watch out!

Another sister vent....

It's been a while. So, you know that I had to come and let loose a little steam about her....

So, just over a week ago, I tried something that I had never tried before. I signed up for a scrapbooking retreat. I was going to trust Tylor with watching the twins for the weekend. He had proved to me that he was up for the challenge so I figured that I would give him a shot. And, if I never gave him a chance to prove himself, how would I know??

So, I left for a weekend away. A bit nervous as this was their first time alone.

This would have been a good time for my sister to step up and be the AUNT THAT SHE IS! Since she is only a few miles away, she could have stopped by and checked in on them, or perhaps called them, maybe take the twins to the park for an hour or two to give Tylor a small break. SOMETHING. ANYTHING. What did she do while I was gone to help dismiss my anxiety you might ask?

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

Yeah. In true Kim-style. She did nothing. Would it have been so hard for her to do something??? Really?? Yet again, she showed that she has absolutely zero care/concern for me and my family.

Teeth....

I cannot stand it. I won't say that I can't believe it because I can. As I ate a piece of licorice today, I heard a crackle sound. Then, I reached in my mouth and felt it. Right next to my front teeth. One of my crowns broke off. Yeah. Fabulous. Right beside my two front teeth, I have a hole.

I KNOW it won't be as simple as gluing it back in. It NEVER is. And, I do NOT have ANY $$ lying around. Besides, everyone knows that dental work is NEVER cheap. We are talking a few hundred dollars, I am sure!

Especially at this time of year. Sheesh. I have bought virtually nothing for Christmas and I have the twins birthday to think about.... :( I received a little extra $$ in this paycheck, but it was supposed to go to tires for my car since I am riding around on bald tires in the back one of which has 2 nails in it!

Where is that break I am always looking for????

I am so tired of incompetence....

It runs rampant where I work...Seriously, there is an epidemic here among the paras. Ugh. Sometimes, I think that the adults are worse than the kids. I mean, if you just LISTEN to people then MAYBE, you might know WHAT they were saying!

Example: Our district was ordering t-shirts for everyone for free. They came around asking us what size we needed. I actually WROTE my size myself so there would be no mistake as to what I needed. Then, the shirts came in yesterday while I was taking Tobey to the doctor. I come in this morning and my shirt is waiting in the WRONG SIZE! Yeah. That was how well our secretary paid attention to what I said. Then, I got to ask her about it and she claims that was the size I told her! Really?? Even though I have not worn that size in over a year?? I swear, these people make me want to smack them so hard.... Of course, there is NOTHING that can be done. I am just SOL...

Why does it seem that those of us who actually DO our jobs spend our time cleaning up the messes of those who DON'T? Why do people want to cover for the incompetent idiots that are all around us? Let's start holding people accountable for their behavior. We do it to the children. Why not the adults?? It seems that the rules and regulations that guide us when we are young seem to go by the wayside as we get older. It baffles me. Just because someone has a lesser job does NOT mean that they should have ZERO accountability. That is just asinine.

It needs to end...

Let Me NOT Kill Him

Tobey... Ugh...

When I am not worried about him, I am MAD at him. It seems that is the way things go. This kid of mine. He is the ONE of all 5 that causes me the MOST stress. Daily, I ask him about his grades. He is in band, so I worry. I want to make sure that he is getting things done and turned in since he will NOT be able to perform at the games if he has failed ANY of his classes as that will make him ineligible. So, I HOUND him.... EVERY SINGLE DAY!

What does he tell me? "Yeah mom. I've turned everything in." "I'm all caught up." When he was absent recently for 3 days, I was sure to remind him to ask his teachers for the work as they would NOT offer it to him and it was HIS responsibility. "Yeah Mom, I did." He would tell me. When he had no homework, he assured me that was because he was completing it all in Study Hall which he had EVERY day for Band and I was believing him.

This past weekend, I look at his grades. 33% in Algebra. Yeah. Fabulous, huh? Sounds like someone who has been turning in all their work to you too, doesn't it? When I saw all of the missing assignments that he had, I went POSTAL! Now, he has to beg and plead to his teacher to see WHAT he can do to bring up his grade.

IF that is even possible.....

If we get through HIS high school years, it WILL be a miracle!

Someday My Sweet...Someday

As much as I move on with my life. The feeling does NOT go away. It is always there in the pit of my stomach. Something that IS supposed to happen. Really....

What am I going to do about it? Nothing right now. There is nothing that I can do. BUT, I do go to bed each night and say and extra prayer knowing that....

Someday my sweet. Someday.

My Vent About Society....

I work hard. REALLY hard. I do NOT collect foodstamps. I do not get free medical care. I bust my ass to provide for my children and myself. I am single and do not want people to think that I had kids just to suck off of society. NO WAY! I was NOT raised to think that was OK. Now, if I ever fell into a situation that I temporarily needed assistance, I would feel OK getting it. However, that would be on a TEMPORARY basis ONLY!

What I do NOT understand is the people that I see around me who think that it is JUST FINE to live off of the government on a permanent basis? WTF?? Do you have no pride?? Do you NOT want to be the one providing for your family. I thought that we all had an innate desire to be the one providing for our loved ones. I guess not...

It really irks me that my tax dollars are going to people who feel that it is OK to have kids (and more kids) and not even make an effort to work. I know people who have had kids through IUI, are going to college, and are planning more kids all while on "disability." Seriously?? We are paying for these people to do things that working folks like me can barely afford? We are paying for these people to go to college? I, as the working population, had to take loans to get through college. These folks are getting to go to college for free. Is that fair? If you are on government assistance, you should have JUST ENOUGH $$ to make ends meet. You sure as hell should not have enough spare $$ to buy vials of sperm for IUIs! What is that teaching future generations? What is that teaching those living off of the government? Is it encouraging them to get out and work? Hell no! Why work?? And, the even bigger point is: If someone is so disabled (mentally) that they cannot work, how the hell can they go to college??? College, IMHO, is WAY more stressful than ANY job that I have EVER had!!! Who is monitoring these folks. Who keeps up with this??

Something NEEDS to be done. This is just NOT right!

Moving on...

Moving on is hard.... Yesterday we went to Shriners. We were scheduled to meet with neuro. Our FAVORITE neuro. Dr B. Dr B has followed Tobey from birth. He is the kindest, smartest, best doctor that I have ever met. He encompasses all that a doctor should. Skill, intelligence AND excellent bedside manner. In my experience, most doctors seem to lack in one of these areas. You seem to have to sacrifice one for the other and Dr B has shown us that there are doctors out there who DO have it all!

However, he has recently moved to Florida and just comes to Houston 1X a month and on a case by case basis. He feels that Tobey is too complicated and that he should be followed by a neuro that is in town and that would be here should an emergency arise. As sad as that is, we know it is true. So, we moce on. After over 15 years, we will find a new neurosurgeon. It will be a hard task and I fear that we will never find a suitable replacement for Dr B.

He will be missed, but I am thankful for the fact that we had him for the past 15 years during the crucial time. He got Tobey (and ME) through some pretty scary events and we will be forever indebted to him for that!

Happy trails Dr B!

Gotta Take Care of Me.....

It is starting to build up....

I need to find time to get some things taken care of. I am just NOT feeling right. It started about a year ago. Well, it started before that. It has been gradually getting worse since the twins were born. My cycles have gotten progressively worse since I had them. But, in the last year, they have gotten bad... :( Since I started at 13, I have NEVER missed a single one except the 2 times that I was pregnant. That was it! However, I missed one last year. It was odd. I also have had days vary from as small as 24 to as long as 31. It is just crazy!

Then, there are the UTIs. I NEVER had one in my life until about 2 years ago. Then, I think that I have had like 6 or 7 since....It is maddening and painful. I have NO reasoning as to WHY, and I am so frustrated!

Now, I can add headaches to the mix. In the past month, they have come back almost daily. I am taking my migraine meds like I am supposed to, yet I still seem to be getting break through headaches almost daily. They are not severe, and can be relieved with aspirin, but they are bad enough to be bothersome.... :(

Too many things to think about and stressing me out which I am SURE is NOT helping. I just need a moment to catch my breath long enough to get a few appointments in for myself which is just so hard to find....

The Money Game

Yesterday, I was explaining the $$ Game to my Tylor. You know the one. Where you see how much $$ is left in your checking account and say to yourself, "Oh Shit! I don't have enough to cover everything." Then, you proceed to pull everything out, and fill the car up with gas before everything clears so that you can A. get to and from work every day and B. pay your sitter on Monday without being humiliated....All before the account goes negative..

Yeah.

That one...

I HATE it! I am so sick of it. I have had to play it too much lately. I am so sick of juggling things to make ends meet. It is just crap! And, just the thought that one of my $$ sources will be ending in December makes me cry. How the heck I am going to make ends meet through the end of the school year, I have yet to figure out???

I just know that I am done with this Money Game. I would rather play a much funner one...

Baffling and Sad....

My sister and I....

I should just STOP.

Stop wondering why?
Stop asking when it will change?
Stop wishing it were different...
Stop hoping/praying for what I will clearly never have...

Our relationship is the strangest sister relationship that you will ever come across. For being the ONLY 2 kids that my mother had, GIRLS, and only being 2 years apart, one would think that we would be close. One would be WRONG! My sister and I could not be further apart in our relationship....

My sister is closer to her friends than me. She confides in them much more often than she does in me. When a large event occurs in her life, I am NOT usually the first one to know. Spending time with me and my children is never a priority. We are always a last option. Even at holidays, she will hang with us only if she has no better plans....She had a job come available at HER school a couple of years back. A COUNSELING JOB! Who does she reccommend to her boss? Her sister who has been waiting anxiously for years for an opportunity to use her counseling degree? No, she recommends HER FRIEND who ALREADY HAD a counseling job at the 9th grade center! Yup! More loyal to herfriends than her OWN SISTER!!! Most of my friends could NOT believe it. Sadly, I was not very surprised.... :(

These things hurt. I love family. We were raised to love family. Ours is so small. I think that is why I always hoped that we would be closer since we are all that each other has. With our Dad never in the picture and Mom gone, we have no one left. That can lead to some pretty sad, lonely holidays and I REALLY hate that! I used to LOVE when our whole family would get together at the holidays. It is some of my favorite memories!

Then today... I have her meet me at my kids' ARD meetings. Now, I talk to her pretty much daily. I don't know about anyone else, but something like GETTING BRACES is a pretty big issue to me, yes? Well, apparently not to her because she said NOTHING to me! Nope. I see them for the first time today! UNFREAKIN REAL...

When things like this happen, I just miss my Mom and Nana more. They were the only people that I could talk and confide in amomg my family members... :(

The MOST wanted item. So far....

This is her....

Holly Sleighbells. Yes, she is rather strange looking. :P However, Baylee LOVES these dolls, and this one is apparently the most requested one for this holiday season!

I, being the smart mom I am, am trying to get a jump on the other moms and get a hold of her NOW. However, my efforts might be in vain as she is sold-out wherever I look... :( I am going to try for a while before I cave-in and pay what some of those people are asking on ebay... :( It unnerves me that people get a hold of 10 of these dolls and then turn around and sell them for DOUBLE (or MORE) The price! I know that it is supply and demand, but it is so cruel. SOME of us are on a budget... $25 is bad enough!

So, anyone out there... If you happen to see her, grab one for Miss Baylee! I WILL pay for you to ship her to me and you will make a little girl's Christmas!!!

The School Year from.....

Yeah. This has been one of those years.... This is the 4th week of school, yet all of us agree that it feel like the 4 MONTH! With the boss acting like a crazy lady, kids out-of sorts, and expectations through the roof, we are all BEAT DOWN! Beat down, tired, and ready for some vacation time.... Oh Lord... There is not a single holiday till Thanksgiving Break... AHHHHHHHHHH


Say some prayers. We are gonna need them......

I HATE Autism!!!

I have said it before, and I will say it again... I HATE Autism!!! HATE HATE HATE!!!

The triplets started high school this year. I was worried. Worried for each of them for a different reason. Ty, my shy kid who seems to struggle, not yet certain why, to make friends. Tobey, being in a chair and suffering from anxiety and depression, has very clear struggles to deal with.

Taylar, oh Taylar. She worried me in a way that I cannot describe. I fear what the world has in store for Taylar. Why? I cannot say. I honestly cannot put into words my fears for Taylar. The uncertainty that I worry she will face in her future. The sadness that overcomes me when I read her performance levels. I am just heartbroken. My only daughter of my triplets. So lost, often scared in new situations. Life is NOT for her what it is for anyone else. That makes me so sad. Why?? Why MY Taylar?? WHAT did I do?? Will she be able to live on her own?? Will she ever feel truly comfortable in this world? Will she evr find someone to keep her company? Will she be able to get and maintain a job? These questions often swim through mind in the late hours of the night.

As predicted, the first few days of school were a total nightmare for her. :( She was lost and so scared. Thrown into a regular ed class with a co-teacher, she freaked! Yeah, who wouldn't? They were WAY above her academic level and she was scared. I was getting numerous calls and emails. It was NOT a good situation. :( This week, she is starting to calm down, but I still wonder. What do experiences like she had last week do to her? Does she have nightmares about them? Is she forever traumatized by them?

My poor girl.... :(

Lately, this is EXACTLY how I feel....

Things at work have gotten just C R A Z Y!!! I do not exactly WHAT has happened, but my boss has turned into Jekyll and Hyde. Holy cow! She is NOT the person that I have worked for these past 2 years. She is another person entirely. Maybe it is because she just sent her youngest child off to college? Maybe it is because they are now switching us to a new state test? I don't know. What I DO know is that things have changed in my building and I do NOT like it one bit!!! OMG!!!

She started at the end of last year by switching 2/3 of the staff to different teams. Then, on the last day, she also told everyone that 3/4 of them would be moving into different classrooms when we came back.... :0 2 weeks before we returned, we got a letter telling us in bold printthat we were NOT allowed to wear jeans or shorts during our week back BEFORE we had kids! Seriously?? 3/4 of your staff has to move into new rooms and you expect them to do it in "business casual?" I had to crawl on the floor reconnecting 26 computers in "business casual." Fun. NOT!

Since we have returned, she has not drawn "brag tags"(she usually does it every week) which is a boosting of egoes of sorts that we do for each other. (We fill them out saying something positive about our co-workers and she usually pulls a few out of the basket and the people who get pulled get to wear jeans to work the next day). We did NOT have spirit day last Friday. So, NO jeans last week either....She has enstated a MANDATORY Monday meeting day which means that we MUST stay EVERY Monday till 5:00-5:30. If we are not here for a staff meeting, we are to be here meeting with our team. Yea, cuz electives have so much in common and to talk about.... Then, she continues to upset us by telling us yesterday that, since next Monday is a holiday and supposed to be our staff meeting day, we must stay Tuesday!!!

Yes, this year is going to be great....

I am working EXTRA hard on getting High School certified. Time to move on. NO ONE should endure this abuse...

Football and Cheerleading...Oh my!!!

I always try to keep my kiddos involved in something. That has been my mission in life. Keep them active. They stay healthy and out of trouble. I try to start it young so that they get into the habit of doing it and then it is just part of their lifestyle. Always being active and involved... My mother did that with my sister and me. And, even though I am overweight, I do think that she was effective in the sense that I feel strange if I am not doing something at all times. I am always happiest when I am crazy busy and I think that is where that feeling comes from! :)

So, at 4, B & B have already done a season of soccer. Now, they are trying their hands at football and cheerleading. It is a riot! :) Welcome to the smallest members of the Ravens....



Yes, these tiny 4 and 5 year-old boys are learning to play flag football like the big guys. Keep in mind, I live in Texas. This is important stuff! We have to start them early... :P It is so freaking cute. Little bodies learning to stand in the right "stance," left from right, run in the right direction, block their man, and MOST IMPORTANTLY pee outside without pulling their pants all the way down!!!!

So far, Brennyn is really loving it, and that is all that matters. Cuz, at his age, it is all about getting out there and having fun! I know that some of those dads think it is so much more more, but at 4 & 5 it real1y ISN'T!!!

Then, there is my cheerleader....


This little girl of mine. What a character! She is out there giving her all to the art of cheerleading! She is in a squad of mostly 7 year-olds and does not blink an eye... Nope, she holds her own just like the rest of them... Cheering, jumping and chanting her little heart out! It is quite the sight! Such a personality in such a small girl, but not surprising. She is named after 2 people with that exact spirit and she does them proud by carrying their spirit with her every day....

Already???

Where did the time go?

I CANNOT believe we are 2 weeks into a new school year.... Geez.... That summer sure was fast! I swear, I blinked and it was over! :(

We had a FABULOUS visit with our friends from N Carolina. It was great. They were here for a week and we got to take a mini trip to San Antonio and Sea World while they were here which was REALLY nice (but CRAZY hot) for the kids! :) The only bad thing about their visit was that when they left, I realized how very much I LOVED them and wished that they were closer. :( I have said it before and will do it again. It is so hard to find someone that you share commonalities with and J and I are just like that. It angers me that we have to be so far apart!!!

Progression....

When mom first passed, I thought of her ALL THE TIME.
EVERY DAY
Honestly, there were not many moments that went by that I did not think of her. I wondered if my life was always going to be like that.



It was a sad, dark time in my life. I struggled through each and every day. Pushed through. Smiled for the sake of my children, but inside was dying. Longed for the company that I had with my mom. Just that voice to talk to. That adult presence in the house. Wondered when/if it would ever pass....

This past weekend, I realized something. Things have changed. I no longer cry EVERY day. While I still think of my Mom every day, I have moved to a different stage. A happier place. I have moved to the place where I am remembering and talking about all of the happy times. Sure, I still have my moments. I cry now and then. But, they are FAR LESS than they used to be. I have found people, and activities to occupy my time. It is so nice.



I am now in a brighter, happier place. A place where Mom is still with me, but not just in a sad, mourning way. Mom is my inspiration in so many ways and I am happy that I am now to a point where I can honor her instead of just miss her!

Anxious.....

I am so very anxious for our friends to arrive....
They will be here in less than 3 weeks and it cannot come soon enough!
J and I are so connected. It really is hard to put into words. When J and her family are around, I smile. :). The kids seem to really enjoy each others company, J and I enjoy each others company, and things just go well!
So, lots to do....
Fun coming soon!!!!:)

Summer is Here!

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy that summer is FINALLY here! This year, I was struggling a bit with NEEDING my summer break. I am not quite sure WHY, but I REALLY did! I taught the same program that I always do and enjoyed it just as much, but I yearned for my summer something awful! :(

So, am going to try to suck EVERY ounce out of the next 5 weeks that I can. Because, I know ALL TO WELL that I will blink and it will be over!

Ouch....

I have a UTI AGAIN! I am just SOOO tired of getting these. When I was young, I NEVER had one. In the past couple of years, I have had several! I do not know WHAT the deal is? I have not changed my lifestyle any. No s*x (that is hysterical to even type :P), no massive exercising (actually NONE lately), etc. I just do NOT get it??? What is the most bothersome is that they come on soooo fast and then are so painful! :0 It is just unfair! I just had a few back to back in the fall. The doc said that id I got another one soon, she was referring me to a urologist. But, that was October or November...

Then, to make matters worse, I call my doctor to get in and on antibiotics yesterday (Tuesday) and am told that the next available appointment is Thursday at 1:45! Yea... I have to "deal" with this till Thur. Oh, they did tell me that I could go to the ER if the pain got too bad. Yea. Like I am going to pay a $150 co-pay to the ER for a UTI. NOT happening! I just went and paid $6 for AZO. Thank you very much! The AZO helps, but I am still miserable.... :(

REALLY NEED a change....

I am at THAT point in my job that I NEED a change.

I really have been for a long time, but have tried to look the other way and keep myself occupied with other things. Starting up clubs and helping out wherever I am needed at work. Going above and beyond to do what is asked and expected.

Well, I have reached my breaking point. Yea. It HAS happened. I have reached the point where I will do/take no more...I am tired. I am done. I can be abused/neglected NO MORE.

I will try no more. No more attempting to SUCK UP to people for the HOPE of what it MIGHT get me later. I have learned that it gets me NOTHING. I seem to get NOWHERE. So, what is the point? Why should I make myself crazy for NOTHING?

Like everyone around me, I will do ONLY WHAT IS REQUIRED and not a bit more.

Saddest part is that doing for others used to bring me pleasure, but I have been used and abused so many times now that it now does nothing but cause heartache... :(

Bet You Never Knew....

That I was a plumber!

Yup! I am... Officially, I believe that I can now state that I am a plumber! NOT by choice might I add...

Yesterday, Tylor calls me at work to tell me that the water is pouring out of the back tank of the toilet. Fabulous. I tell him to turn the water off below the toilet. He tells me that he has tried, but it will NOT shut off. Even better! So, I rush home. Water is gushing everywhere... It takes me a good hour to find the valve to shut off the water to the entire house, but I find it. I then go to Home Depot to purchase the part that needs to be replaced which is the pump that is NOT registering when the tank is full. As I am replacing this and trying to screw on the hose, I break the plastic valve on the hose! Water spurting everywhere AGAIN!!! Now, I have to figure out WHAT to do. Call my plumber friend. Busy. Call a plumbing service. All plumbers booked till midnight! So, I look and look. Study and study some more as I am sitting in a pool of water of the bathroom floor. I have a Master's degree. Surely this is not beyond my intelligence level. I figure HOW to remove the hose, take it up to Home Depot and get a new one, install it and turn the water back on.

THERE!!!!

Only took me 3 hours, LOTS of cuss words, TONS of crying, but by God, I DID it! Now, the water still won't turn off by the toilet, but that is OK, for now.

Promethean Set-Up

F U N K

Things have just been odd of late....

I have not felt good. I know it's the weight, but guess what??? I have absolutely NO initiative to lose it right now. PATHETIC, I know. But, it is the truth. My migraines are acting up a bit and that has me a tad upset. I HATE headaches. They make me edgey, grouchy and not real able to face the world....

The big kids have REALLY been grating on my nerves. I am just NOT liking teenagers. Their attitude and unwillingness to do ANYTHING has me to the point that I want to send all 3 of them to military school for high school! Oh, but then I wake up and realize that I do NOT even have that option for Tobey and Taylar... :(

B & B are just being typical 4 year-olds and I am just TOO OLD to deal with it sometimes....

I usually look forward to summer school, but this year. Not so much. I am too tired to even think about what I have to do over the next month...:(

I am just one freakin ray of sunshine, aren't I??

Finding Her Niche

Taylar has really found her niche lately.....

She LOVES art. It is her favorite class. She thoroughly enjoys attending and what she is able to create while there... :)I am happy that she has found SOMETHING in school that she likes. Usually, school holds no value to her and that makes it so very hard. Now, she looks forward to going which helps make life better for my entire family!

Yesterday, she brought home an award. Apparently, she won an award for her baskets that she created. She was so proud as was I! Way to go Tay! :)

Pleasantly Surprised That it WORKED!!!!

We have been chatting about it for a few months now....

The "GiGi Fairy." Yup. I had read somewhere about telling your kids that there was a "blankey fairy" of sorts. Then, they talk about their MOST desired item. When the time is right, the fairy would come, take the blankey and leave the treasured goodie in it's place.

At first, I was a bit skeptical. Not too sure that my twins would fall for that. they really loved their "Gigis." BUT, they were maxxing me out! Leaving them places and then having fits at bedtime because they could not find them. They were rather big and hot. So, I thought that we might try it out. I was NOT going to make them very upset. It they acted like they really needed them back, I would do so as I did not believe in taking something away that was a security of sorts.

We started last week with Baylee. She is the one that would sleep without it from time to time at the sitter's. So, I took it and left the HIGHLY COVETED Blue Lalaloopsy. She woke up THRILLED! The true test was going to be that night. She went to bed without a hitch. No problems at all! Whew! One down.... I waited a few days and then tried Brennyn. Took his and left the Bumblebee Transformer that he has talked about NONSTOP for the past few weeks. He woke me at 4:00AM to show me!!! He too went to bed that night just fine!!

Neither child has had any issue without their Gigis. This has been a VERY easy process! One, in fact, that I highly recommend to anyone who is looking to try and lose the blankets and the hassle that they bring along with them!!!

I Have Been Sucked in....

After YEARS of talking about you people... Making fun of you...

"How the hell can people go to a place and pay $5 for a stupid cup of coffee?" "That is just about the dumbest thing that I have ever heard." I would shake my head in disgust as I said these things. I just could NOT understand it. It was idiotic.

Yea. It WAS.

Then, I went out with my friend R and had a sip of her Chai Tea Latte. OMG!! I am a hot tea fan.. ALWAYS have been...Let's just say that particular sip was a BAD idea.

Guess WHAT I got on the way to work this morning? Yup. My FIRST Starb*cks! I am no longer a Starb*cks virgin. No cofee as I still hate that crap, but I did get me a delicious Chai Tea. Mmmmmmm.

38.75, and I am still crumbling to peer pressure. Sad, I know...

D R A M A

Lately, I seem to be surrounded by it. Everywhere. Work, home and on the various boards that I post to. It is just a bit much. I can't help but feel as though my perspective has changed in regards to drama and life...

There is just too little time in life to spend it freaking out over stuff that really does NOT mean much. People that, in my opinion over-react to situations that they shouldn't, just waste valuable time. Time that could be used enjoying the little things. Things like family and the small things that we CANNOT get back once they are gone....

I just have had to make the choice to space myself from these situations. They are not good for my sanity/mental health. I seem to get sucked into these situations when I am around them. Then, I get all involved and into them. So, spacing myself from them is the only sensible thing to do...

Drama needs to move on...

End of the Year Madness

It is unavoidable...



EVERY year I try. I do. REALLY hard. BUT, I cannot escape it!

It is like a virus. Even my BEST students succomb to it. The end of the year insanity... They become these crazy beings. There is no real words to describe them. Their minds cease to function. Even the simplest of tasks become too difficult for them, and they are just NOT the funnest of people to be around.

Sadly, for me, it even seems to infect my house. :( My sweet little twins (ha, ha, ha), are becoming little evil people of late... Yesterday, the sitter said that they had a very "off" day. She said that they have had off mornings, but are usually OK by the afternoon, but yesterday was different. They were pretty much nasty ALL day. Great. Their little butts were punished and reminded just HOW they were to behave and told that that type of behavior was NOT going to be tolerated!

Only 10 days left till summer school starts!

The House from Hell.....

That is what I have....It is not to far from this...

Yup....

It seems like the harder that I try, the more frustrated I get. My house just CANNOT get clean.

I TRY.

Really. I do....

BUT, It always seems to be in vain...

My family is just NOT capable of keeping a clean house. I honestly think that we are missing the gene required to do this task. Seriously. None of the 6 of us can handle it. It is so sad. There is NOT one rooom in my home that would pass a "clean" inspection. While a few might "appear" to be fairly clean or organized, I KNOW that they are lacking in the sense that they are not dusted, vacuumed or polished....

The size of the home does not help. I mean, 3300 sqft is just overwhelming at times. And, when you get behind, it gets REALLY overwhelming! I want so much for my house to be nice and clean like so many that I see, but i just cannot seem to achieve that goal. I would love to be able to invite people over, but I never do because I am too embarassed by how my house looks to do so. There is always so much clutter everywhere that I do not dare have company over... :( BUT, I want to. So, I NEED to do something to change the situation.... NOW!

Maybe I should start with small goals and work up? Perhaps we could inch our way to a cleaner house that way???

Just When I Really Thought That He Had Come to Terms With It....

He says something like....

"I do not want to go because there will not be anyone else crippled there..." :(

Yeah. That cut like a knife to the heart. It was his response to just WHY he was not going to the dance. UGH. Raising him is just NOT fun. I really DID think that he had a hold of the whole living with a disability thing. I am sorry, but he needs to face the reality that MOST of the time HE will be the ONLY crippled person wherever he is...

That is just life...I know that I might sound like a mean mom, but I told him that I am sorry, but this is how life is going to be for him. REALITY. He needs to know this. A pity party for himself will do nothing but help him miss out on life. I do NOT want that for him. I want him to have everything out of life that everyone else gets. He DESERVES that just as much as the next guy. Maybe a tad more for all of the struggles that he has gone through...

Being a parent is so fun, isn't it???

This F*cking Crazy A** Week Needs to End....

Geez...If it is weird and out there, it happens to me. That is ALWAYS true. But, this week it has REALLY been true...

Monday was the Ants in the A/C. Yea. Ants in my A/C! They had gotten in there and EATEN my conducter. Fun times...NOT! I don't make this crap up. How could I???

Yesterday, on the way home from taking Tobey to the plastic surgeon, I get a flat tire. Splendid! Yea. Just brightens my already dull week... The MOST interesting thing about my flat is WHAT caused my tire to go flat. What might you ask?? A AA battery! Yup! A freaking AA battery. Never in my life would have imagined it, but leave it to me to be the one for it to happen to... :0

The stars are NOT aligned for me this week.....

Sucker

Just call me a sucker....

Yeah...

I always seem to let it happen. People ask nicely and I cannot say that two letter word that I SHOULD use more often.. N O

The church needs photographers. They want to be "better represented" on their website. Someone who comes to most of their events. "You take such wonderful pictures. We always see you at everything. You, wouldn't mind, would you?"

Hmmmm. I do not have much going on.
single mom
5 kids
a full time job
a kid with wounds that NEVER heal
a summer school job

Of course I'll do it. I would love to.. :)

Can you say, dumb???

I have NEVER been happier to see a FR I D A Y

I have had my share of sh*tty weeks. It happens. My life is just programmed that way. BUT, this week has been just BIZARRE! I could NOT wait for Friday to get here so that it would be over!

We started with the a/c. I had ants. Yes, I said ANTS in my a/c. They had gotten in there and eaten up my conducter. No, I have never heard of it before either, but I am told that it apparently DOES happen!

Then, I got a flat on the way home from the plastic surgeon on Wednesday. That in itself is NOT strange, BUT what was in the tire WAS. I had a AA battery completely pushed into my tire! Uh huh! They pulled that sucker out and showed it to me. Even the tire guys were a bit surprised. Apparently, they do not see that often..?? Go figure that Jennifer Pelzer would be the one to do that... Does NOT shock me ONE BIT!

So, needless to say, I need this week to be OVER!!!

Still Can't Do It....:(

I spoke with the rep from the agency today.....

N IS still available...

This makes me both happy and sad. Happy in the sense that, IF things should come together for us, he will be there. Sad, in that he is STILL sitting in an orphanage with no one to cuddle, love and kiss on him.... :(

I told K of the issues that we were having in regards to Tobey and finances. She was very sweet and understanding. I told her that I would call if/when things change...

This leaves me in no better of a position...I wish that I could come to some sort of a decision or find an answer. I HATE where I am at. My mind and heart are so restless. I DON'T know WHAT to do. I wonder to myself WHY God would lay something like this upon my heart if I had NO WAY to make it a reality?? Just does not seem to make sense to me...Why oh why??

Still have NOT let go. I can't...

Leave Well Enough Alone....

This quote keeps coming into my head when I think of my home A/C...

Every year, my A/C and heating is serviced. It is free from my electric company provider. They check everything out for me and make sure that it is up to par. I like this as I know that A/C is a HUGE thing to replace and I want to keep mine in top notch condition. HOWEVER, this year, I fear that they MIGHT be doing more HARM than good...:(

You see, they came out in Jan and recommended that I replace these parts that were going to "break soon." I took their advice and replaced the parts (to the tune of $400) when I got my income tax $$ in March. All is well, right? W R O N G! A few weeks later, my downstairs unit just STOPS working. Yup, it just won't turn on. They come out and say it is their fault and fix it. OR SO I THOUGHT! Two weeks later, SAME PROBLEM! My A/C won't turn on... :(

This is so frustrating! I do not have the time or energy for this BS. And, it aggravates me that they did something to my A/C to cause this.. :0 Makes me wonder IF I should have fixed my A/C in the first place??

Maybe I should have left well enough alone?

Day 30-A Picture

My favorite "first" picture of my family. Taken on B & B's due date... :)

Day 29-Three Wishes

1...Health
I wish that I could keep my children healthy and happy. Primarily Tobey. This includes pressure sores and wounds. I would like for his next 4 years of high school to be filled with fun, memorable moments. Just like any other youth. I pray that Health stays with us and that it sticks.

2...Finances
Over the next year, I will be losing one of my income sources, I pray that I will be able to balance out my finances in a way that I will still be able to make ends meet and make due for my family. I just hope that I am led in a direction that is best for my whole family.

3...Adoption
I wish that I am able to somehow make this a reality for my family. I do feel that there is a spot in our family for N and I know that he is still available. So, I hope that things can turn around and we can find a way to be able to adopt him....

Day 28-Something That Stresses You Out

Stress.... If I could alleviate stress, my life would be SO much better... Unfortunately, that is NEVER going to happen.....



When, I was getting migraines 3-5 days a week, I sought out my doctor for MUCH NEEDED help. His initial advice was that stress was a primary factor in my migraines and that I needed to reduce it to reduce my headaches. My triplets were 2 at the time. Ummm, that was NOT going to happen. So, I suggested that he try another option and we went the meds route... :(

I HATE stress. It shortens your life. I KNOW that. If I could alleviate the amount that I have, I would. BUT, there is just no road for me.

WHAT stresses me out???

Being an SMC, I have a bit more stress than your average Mom. NO ONE to help with the kids. When I am sick, I am still on. I have no one to take over. I do not have any family to help out like other folks that I know. The little bit of family that I do have does NOTHING for me in regards to help. I am TRULY ALONE.

Having 5 kids...I LOVE having kids. REALLY, I do! BUT, there are just so many daily stressors that come along with having lots of children. It is just HOW things go....

Tobey...My Tobey is my oldest and probably the child that I have bonded with the most. That said, he is also the child that causes me the MOST stress. All of his surgeries, procedures and doctor appointments have a way of wearing me thin. REALLY thin. Theire are moments when I honestly do not know whether or not I can physically make it through another day. The moments are so taxing and trying. I would not trade the kid for the world, but it is SO hard!

Taylar...Taylar is also a VERY stressful child to raise. Life for her is very difficult. Seeing her stuggle makes me very upset. NO mother wants to see her child struggle with day to day tasks. All I want is for my children to be happy and successful and when this is NOT happening, I am not happy or calm. Unfortunately, this is a common thing for Taylar which makes raising her VERY stressful... :(

2 sets of multiples...That bascially says it all. While multiples may seem "fun" to some, they are quite the challenge. Raising 2 sets at once has proven to be a bit of a challenge! Stress is an understatement when you have more than one child going through milestones at the same time. The teen years have amplified that to the nth degree!!!!

Working full-time...On top of everything that I have on my plate, I have a full-time job. While I LOVE my job, it can be stressful. I work with kids. That can be taxxing. When my kids at home are maxxing me out, the last thing that I want to do is come to work and deal with a few hundred more KIDS! There are so MANY times when I WISH that I could be with my kids and working causes me to NOT be. I miss moments and that upstes/stresses me out...

Adoption...This is a HUGE stressor for me right now. I still think of it ALL the time and just CANNOT give it up. Therefore, the stress that it invokes is HUMUNGOUS!

By BIGGEST stressor of all is $$$$$$$$. If I could have a



in the backyard, many of my problems would be solved! $$ would help make so many of the stressors in my life easier. My adoption would be a reality, my bills would not be so hard to figure out each month. Life would just be easier....

Whomever said $$ cannot buy happiness did not lead the life of a single mom of 5 kids. Because, I say this... Let me try and show you just HOW happy I can be with LOTS of $$!!!

Day 27-Your Pets

Currently, NONE!

We have had a few Guinea Pigs, but right now, we have none.

Honestly, we are so crazy busy that we just do not have the time for any pets. I would love to have a dog as I grew up with dogs and think that they are wonderful to have for children, but I do not have the time that it takes to devote to a dog and do NOT want to neglect a dog....

Day 26-A Picture of Your Family

My Motley Crew! :)

Day 25-Favorite Memory

When I think back to the memories that stick with me the longest. My clearest and fondest memory is of my Nanny who was born in 1900 (my great-grandmother). Kim and I used to visit her when we were kids. She lived nearby in an "assisted living" facility of sorts. She had an apartment in a huge building and they had everything that she needed in there. I just LOVED to be with her. My Nanny was MY FAMILY. She was the ONE person who had all of the memories. She was sharp as a tack and would spend hours upon hours telling us stories. Stories of our family. Of the past. Of where we came from. She would give us ginger snaps and Velveeta cheese with hot tea (strange sounding, I know). We LOVED it! That was the ONLY place where we got those snacks which made them all the more special. She would scratch our backs (aahhh) and let us sit and cut out the pictures off of the Christmas cards that she saved... We were so happy when we were there! :) For a treat, she would walk us across the street to the mall and get us a treat at Walgreens or let us ride on the train in the mall. Those were good times. Nothing complicated. No video games, no computers. Just a VERY special woman with treasured family memories to pass along. Oh, how I will be forever grateful for those moments. I had my Nanny till I was 17 (she was 89) and her mind really did not go till the last year or 2, but those memories are living on as I tell MY children the stories and hope that they will pass them on as well... :)

Day 24-Something You've Learned

I have learned is that life does NOT always go the way you think/plan it should.

Things are NEVER easy and there is not always a reward for the hardest work.

I have learned that MOST things ARE worth the time and effort that I put into them.

In the long run, most of my hard work, DOES pay off!

Day 23-Favorite Vacation

That is a hard one. Like I have said before, my family tries to take a trip EVERY year SOMEWHERE. I guess if I had to pick just one, I would say that my FAVORITE would have to be Tobey's Make-A-Wish Trip.

Yeah.

It was pretty sweet, and one that will NEVER be duplicated.

Never... :(

It was when the triplets were 9. I hesitated to even DO the Make-A-Wish thing, BUT my friend Dana and I decided that IF our kids were considered applicable, then why not? So, we talked to our boys and they came to the consensus that they wanted to go to Disneyworld TOGETHER! It was quite the undertaking. MAW in Texas and Wisconsin coordinated our trips so that we were there at the same time! It was an awesome trip!

It will NEVER be duplicated for a few reasons. For one, my Mom was with us. :( It was a wonderful trip in the sense that the place we stayed was TOTALLY wheelchair accessible and that was GREAT for BOTH Tobey AND Mom. It was also the LAST time that the kids and I would go to DW with Mom. We had made reservations in January 08, but she died just a month later and we cancelled the trip... Another thing that has changed is that my friend D has FINALLY divorced her husband. In that area, I have to say that I am happy... He was a mean, nasty drunk. But, for her children, it was the last big trip that they took as a family...

So, that magical trip was an a week of awesome memorable moments. Limosine rides to the airport, wizzing to the front of every line, eating meals with Disney characters, eating ice cream as often as we wanted and my son getting to hang out with his buddy who is "just like him!"

Definitely a FAVORITE vacation!

Day 22-Favorite City

Hmmmm. I have a few of those...

Favorite city to visit...

For relaxation... South Padre Island, TX- though I have been to better beaches, SPI is far enough away that we feel like we are truly "getting away" and it IS a beach which we love. Also, it is still in our price range which is SO important! :)

For the sheer coolness... New York City, NY. I loved to visit there when I was young for the excitement and thrill of the many things that were there and I recently discovered, when I took my children, that that thrillis still there!

Would LOVE to live... Brenham, TX...Just tucked among the bluebonnets in the beautiful Texas hill country is Brenham. A gorgeous, small, German town that has not, over the years, lost it's luster. When I went to Blinn Junior college, I had the privilege of living there. I LOVED it! If I coukd pack up and leave the hustle and bustle of the city, I would be right in Brenham with my kiddos. No doubt!

And because it is the home of my FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WORLD... Orlando, FL. I love NOTHING else about Orlando. The weather is CRAP! It is just like Houston. But, I LOVE Disneyworld more than anything, and to live right by it would be FABULOUS! So, to live in Orlando would be dreamy! :)

Day 21-Picture of Yourself

Since I have already put up a recent one, I will post a fav...

This is my fav from when I was tiny...

I am the baby... :)

Day 20-Nicknames

I have had a few. Not that many

When I was a little girl, my family called me Jenny. I was VERY particular about WHO called me this. I did NOT want my father calling me this when we visited him and made sure to let him know this as this was something that only those who REALLY loved me and cared about me called me...

As I got a bit older, I changed Jenny toJenni.. :) My peers called me this...

My sister has always called me "J."

As an adult, I have gone by Jenn.

Oh, and my neice and nephew call me JerJer. That was because my neice could not say Jennifer and it has just stuck!

Day 19-Something That you Miss

Very simple for me.....

M O M

Day18-Something That You Regret

There is only one thing that I regret right now... That is giving my sister 1/2 of the $$ that my mother left. My mother was very adament, when she was alive, about my sister NOT getting any of the LITTLE bit of $$ that she was leaving behind. It was important to her that she be able to leave that small amount of $$ to the people who helped her out in her time of need and that was NOT my sister. Well, when it came down to the wire, I caved and gave her 1/2. I fell for the "entitled as her daughter" speech and thought that keeping peace among the little bit of family that I had left was most important...Well, those who know me know how long that peace lasted!

To this day, I regret THAT choice...

Day 17-Something That You Look Forward To

I look forward to a few things....

1. This school year being OVER as it has been a rough one!

2. Tobey's spine surgery being behind us...:(

3. Our vacation/visit with our pals in August!

Those are definitely the immediate ones... :)

Day 16-Dream House

Well, I can start by saying...NOT MINE!!!!

As much as it might be cool to some people that I own my own home, I HATE it!!! My home does NOT work for my family.... :(

Let's see...
1. My home is in what has turned into a not-so-good neighborhood. :(
2. So, my kids are zoned for not-so-great schools. :(
3. My home has stairs. :(
4. I only have 2.5 bathrooms. :(
5. I have a HUGE playroom that is NEVER used. So, such a WASTE of space!
6. I have virtually NO backyard. So, no safe place for my kids to play or space to set-up a good-sized pool, etc...
7. My home is not accessible. So, Tobey has NO bathroom that he can wheel into. :(

The ONLY positive that I will say about my home is that it is on a cul-de-sac and I do LOVE that for when the kids are out playing, riding their bikes, etc...

Ideally, I would LOVE to get a "Ranch-style" home. All one floor layed out... I would love this home to be on a decent amount of land so that we have a nice-sized backyard. A pool in the yard would be PERFECT. Tobey could do aquatic therapy in it and the rest of us could simply enjoy it since we LOVE to swim! The doorways should be wide enough so that their is no room that excludes Tobey. 3.5 bathrooms (boy one, girl one, Mom one, and guest one) would be perfect so that we were not always crowding each other...Instead of a playroom, I would LOVE to have one of those "theatre rooms" that I have seen on TV. HUGE screen, movie theatre seats. How fun would that be? And, since we watch so much TV/movies, we would get PLENTY of use out of it! :) Nice-sized kitchen with an island would be great since I do love to cook/bake. I would also like to have a laundry room that was a bit larger with some storage space. I am so tired of the laundry room being so tiny and having only 1 shelf. What's up with that?? I have many things that I would like to store in there. Give me some place to put them...Beautiful hardwood floors throughout the house would be a must with a wheelchair....

Well, I think that about covers it.

So, whose going to build it for me? Where? And, most importantly, when will it be ready for us to move in?

Day 15-Bible Verse

There are a few Bible verses that I hold dear...

When I am overwhelmed with my life and all that I often have on my plate...

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Psalm 56:3-4 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Psalm 18:2 The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

Luke 1:37 For nothing will be impossible with God.”


When I think of loved ones that I have lost...

Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.

Adoption...

Psalms 68:5-6 Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God places the lonely in families.

Day 14-A Picture You Love

My Nanny was one of the most influential people in my life. She was my great grandmother. My Nana's mother. She was born in 1900. She had so many wonderful stories to tell. My sister and I LOVED to spend time with her. We would sit and listen to her stories for hours.

My Nanny lost her husband to colon cancer in 1955. They had a strong, devoted love for each other. She NEVER replaced "grandpa." I, of course, never met grandpa, but heard so many stories that I felt like I did. He was a devoted family man, served his country in WWI, and was always a loving husband.

A picture that I love is one of the two of them. (Sorry for the poor quality as it is a pic of a pic!) It makes me smile. They look so happy and in love. It was taken just before my grandpa got sick. It sits in my room.



Sidenote: Grandpa's name was Arthur John which is where the Arthur in my Brennyn Arthur's name came from. :) Almost all of the men in my family have Arthur as their middle name in honor of Grandpa...

Day 13- Goals

I have always been a very goal-oriented person. Set goals when I was young and worked hard to achieve said goals...

*Graduate from high school...Done!
*Graduate from college...Done!
*Get a teacher's certificate (certified in Early childhood, Elementary, ESL, & School Counseling)...Done!
*Get married.....Hmmmmm
*Get a teaching job...Done!
*Have children...Done!
*Get a master's degree...Done!
*Get a counselor's certification...Done!
*Get a counselor's job...
*Get my LPC...
*Get my PHD...
*Adopt an orphan...Huge barriers (mostly $$ in my way :()
*Reach a healthy weight...Did it a couple of years ago, but have gained a lot of it back. :(
*Maintain a healthy exercise program...Had this going for a while, but have also let this go... :(
*Take time for myself when necessary...Working on it :)
*Be the best mom that I can be...A CONSTANT work in progress!
*Spend quality time with my kids...Done!

So, I have achieved MANY of my goals. Though, I still have MANY that I would like to accomplish. Each and every day, I work towards making another one of these a reality. I KNOW that it CAN happen with hard word and the belief that I CAN do it!

Day 12- What You Believe

Wow! Really??

I believe that there is often no answer for many things and that is VERY hard for me. While I have found my faith MUCH more as an adult, it has also caused me to look at and accept things that are REALLY hard for me. Answers to questions that I have had for years. Things like "why?" Why my Tobey? Why should a child endure so much? While we are taught that we should NOT question, I CANNOT help it as his mother....That makes me struggle a lot with my faith. MUCH more than most of those around me know....It is something that I fight and will continue to fight EVERY minute of every day until I get a resonable answer to the things that run through my mind. Sadly, I think that I will take my last breath with no answers to those questions...

I believe that my chidren are the BEST thing that I have ever done. They are the future for me. They will carry on the things that I hold dear. Each of them are the reason that I smile. I believe that I was MEANT to be their mom. As hard as things get/have gotten, we always manage to get through. I truly believe that we are quite the team. A strong unit of loving, happy souls that show the world just WHAT a happy, solid family unit can look like. I believe that $$, and material items are NOT what makes kids happy. My kids have things, but certainly NOT everything. They have enough. However, they have MORE love, affection, parent time, and caring than any kid I know. THAT is what matters and THAT is what is making them the people that they will be. People who will make a difference in the world...

Day 11-Your Favorite TV Show

I am weak here... I watch WAY too much television. For 2 reasons mainly. One, I am a big homebody. Second, I am often broke. TV is a cheap, easy wind-down. And, after a long day, I NEED it...

My favs are....























And, my VERY FAVORITE of all time which is gone, but I will often watch on DVD when there is nothing else on....

Day 10- Something that You are Afraid of....

Death

The thing that frightens me the most is death. Not in a way that most people would think as I am NOT afraid of dying. No, I know that I will one day die and move on to a better place. Actually, I look forward to the day when I will once again see loved ones that I have lost and I pray every day that the heaven that we talk about DOES exist because I CAN'T wait to talk to some of those who I miss sooooo much (Mom, NaNa, Poppop, Nanny, etc...).

No, the fear that haunts me to my core is the fear of my son dying.... See, when you have a child with a chronic illness this enters your mind. It is a HORRIBLE feeling. Something that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I know that all moms fear the death of their children, but this is VERY different. I almost NEVER think about my other kids and death. It just does NOT enter my mind. However, with Tobey, I see it in my head A LOT. I HATE it! :( ALL that he goes through medically makes me so afraid that something awful could/might happen to him.

It is, BY FAR, my biggest, scariest fear....

Day 9- A Picture of Your Friends

My friends.... Oh, how they have REALLY come through for me recently when I have had SO MUCH on my plate in regards to my Tobey. I do NOT have just one best friend. Rather, I have many friends that I consider close and some, MUCH more than others, REALLY get me and my life which is HUGE... :)

The scrappin' gang! What would I do without my scrapping girls? They are really my escape. Scrapping has become the ONE thing that I do to just get away from life. Whether we are up at the church on a Wednesday, pulling a late nighter at Scrapmania, or spending the entire day celebrating a birthday, we have the best time when we are together. Just the "girls" talking, scrappin and enjoying the company of one another. Everyone needs a group of girls like mine. They are one-of-a-kind and truly ALWAYS there when you need advice, a shoulder, a place to vent, or just a kind heart....



Terri (on the left in the pic)... We have known each other since she moved to Houston in our Junior year of High School. Though we have never been best friends, Terri has ALWAYS been a true and loyal friend. When the two of us are together, we can talk for HOURS. Both of us know A LOT about each other's pasts and I do believe that pulls us together as there are just not that many people that I can say that about... She has been through MANY things with me! If I am in a bind, I know that I can ask Terri. Terri is a very generous, kind-hearted person and we have managed to stay connected over the years which has meant so much to me... :)



Michele(on the right in the pic)...Michele and I met when we were just 5 years old. We were the best of friends all through our grade school and middle school years. My family would take her on family vacations, and I would accompany her family as well. We had a truly wonderful friendship. As we got older, she moved and we grew apart. She did move back while we were in high school, but we never became the friends that we once were. Recently, we have re-connected through and AXO alumni group as we have discovered that we both were in the same sorority in college...Not surprising. :)



Rebecca... My "gaga" :P Rebecca and I have not known each other long, but you would NEVER know that if you saw us together. We met through the scrapping group, but we have extended our friendship beyond that. R is just one of those girls that I feel "connected" with. I actually feel closer to her than I do to my own sister. She is so easy to hang out with. We get along very well and have similar thoughts and ideas on many things... :) R makes me smile and that is priceless. When we do not see each other for a while, I do miss her so...



Crystal...Crystal has been a devoted friend. She is such a sweetie. Crystal is a very loving, Christian woman. I envy how she tries so hard to be the perfect wife/mom for her family. She has gone out of her way to help me out which I am just awed by. I have never had someone make so much effort to help me out. If I need someone to get B & B, I can ask C. She is more than happy to help out. She has been a great movie pal as well. She and I have similar taste in movies and have enjoyed our share of movies which is so fun for me since movies ARE my other fav! :)



Jenny(on left in the pic)...I met Jenny when we were in high school. We were on the swim team together. We were VERY close while we were in HS. We lost track of each other after we graduated. Last year, we reconnected through FB and my hope is that we continue to rekindle our friendship. She has 3 little girls. 2 of which are close in age to B & B.. :)



Vicki...I have known Vicki since I was 12. I used to babysit for her sister who lived acrosee the street for me. Then, when she had children, I babysat for her too. As I have gotten older, we have become friends. We used to be faithful movie buddies, but have moved away from that of late. She enjoys the Rodeo and we hang out a lot when it is in town. Interesting thing about us is that we, as of last year, work at the same school! :) So, we see each other and chat every day...



Last, BUT NOT LEAST, Jamie. I met Jamie on a single mom chat board. We talked more and more as time went by. If Jamie and I lived near each other, I KNOW that she would be my best friend. She is the FIRST person that I think to call when something happens. Good or bad. She will listen and somehow give me perspective. We have ALMOST all of the same beliefs. Child-rearing, "crazy people," family sizes, food addiction, photos, etc. are all things that we see through the same lense... Jamie and I could talk all day every day. We just have THAT much in common. We both have a set of boy/girl twins. Our daughters fight for "head position" when we are together and we love every minute of it! Jamie, as I have said before, "gets" many things that so many others just can't... I am soooooooo pumped to have her and her kiddos coming here to visit this summer! :)

Day 8- A Place You Have Traveled To

I have been to many places. My family was big on trips. Every year we made sure to go somewhere. Whether it be to the beach (South Padre, Pennsacola, etc.) which we all LOVE or back to New Jersey where my family is from. We always had a vacation somewhere...

I have tried to continue that tradition with my children. We have gone to places such as California, Tennessee, Florida(Disneyworld), New York, North Carolina, South Padre, Mexico, etc. We even took the Disney Cruise when the triplets were small, but that was a total nightmare due to their young age, my lack of help and the fact that, at the time, Disney offered no childcare options for children under 3. :( I think that I would rather spend a moment talking about a trip that was a pleasant memory...

So far, our most memorable trip would have to be the one that we took to the Cayman Islands. After my mom died, she left us a small amount of $$. I decided that I would spend some of it on a nice trip for the kids and I. We planned a 10 day trip to the Cayman Islands. My friend V and her son joined us as well as my sister, BIL and some of his family. We stayed in condos ON THE BEACH and it was the most gorgeous view that I have ever seen! Crystal clear water, gorgeous sunrises every morning. Amazing snorkelling right outside our door. Fabulous! Really breathtaking! It was a trip like no other. My only sad thought about it is that the twins will NOT remember it and that it was our first trip without Mom. :(

We saw rare, endangered turtles, swam with the stingrays, the boys parasailed, and we even took a ride in a submarine! On other days, we just hung around an enjoyed simply playing on the gorgeous beach.

Day 7-Favorite Movies

Ahhhh, my FAVORITE thing! :) I LOVE movies... Movies give me that escape that I sometimes crave/need...

In this category, I am VERY eclectic. I love a HUGE variety of movies...

Here are just a few of my favorites...