I have a rather strange interest in reading blogs that most people would rather not...I read about people with kids that are quite sick. People ask why I read them? What would draw me to read about such things day after day? It is so sad and depressing. Yet, day after day, I am there reading on and on. I am a very loyal reader of the blogs that I do read. I follow all of the sicknesses and hospital stays of these people and their children. My heart breaks with them as their children ride the roller coaster of illness and they fight the emotions that go along with it.
Last night, I realized just WHY I do it. As I sat on my living room floor helping my almost 13 year-old clean up himself, I fought back the tears. THIS IS GOING TO BE HIS LIFE. We have not been able to find ANY reason for the problems that have been cropping up. The REALITY (I believe) in this is that he will still have issues like this in 5 years, 10 years, etc. How demoralizing.... I cannot imagine what it would feel like for a man to be on a date with a woman and all of a sudden realize that he has crapped on himself. How fair is that? You see, I read the blogs of people with really sick kids because it helps me AVOID my life. I can see that there ARE people out there who are dealing with issues FAR GREATER than what I have. Because, let me tell you this, in the world that I see around me, I KNOW NO ONE who has anything EVEN REMOTELY CLOSE! My friends go about their lives and everything is sunshine and roses. They are happy and I am honestly so thrilled for them. I am! Nothing brings me more joy than the happiness of the people that I love. Some of them try to be sympathetic to my situation with Tobey, but they do not get it, and honestly, I am glad that they do not get it. NO ONE should ever have to go through what me or that kid have dealt with. There are just times that the reality of what lies ahead for my son is a bit too much for me. My heart aches at the thought of him ending up alone as I am. I believe that God has chosen for me to be alone, but I just cannot believe that God would give Tobey that burden on top of everything that he has to deal with. He is so close to his brother and I want him to realize that he needs to make a life without his brother because his brother WILL move on. So, I need to focus on teaching Tobey to find avenues that he can go down that will help him meet people so that he can have his own life and be his own person. I want so much for him...
So, I will follow my blogs. My own way of having a bit of denial in the sense that I get an escape from my reality to sympathize with someone else's because their issues far outweigh mine. This way, my issues seem MUCH LESS overbearing and crushing. Yes, reading and following these blogs, at times, gives me the air that I need when I feel like I cannot swim in my own life....
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