My Sister.....

Why?

I think that is always the question that comes to mind when I think of Kim...

Why is she like she is?
Whe is she so selfish?
Why can't she see how cruel she sometimes is?
Why can't she just be a sister?
Why does she have to be so cold?
Why is it that she can never seem to be there for me?
Why is it that I can never seem to cut her loose?

Most of the times all she does is aggravate me, yet I still answer her phone calls and talk to her. So, the million dollar question is WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME??? I really do not know....

Realization is HARD....

Many things are coming up for my household....

Lots of things that are scary....

My ladies retreat was wondeful. Such a nice escape. One thing that I did learn from it was my Love Language. You see, we had several devotionals during our retreat. A chance for us to really bond with each other and learn a bit more about the people that were there with us. We took a quiz. I discovered that I am "Receiving Gifts." When ANYONE who knows me at all reads this, it will come as NO surprise...

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.


Gosh, that is me!!!

We also discussed how it is really hard for others to speak to us in our language as their language is often different and we tend to communicate to others in our own language. So, if your language is NOT gifts, you will have a hard time giving that to someone whose primary language IS. It was so interesting. Brought several realizations to light for me...

For one, I do not think that I know ANYONE who speaks the same love language as me right now. Second, my mom's love language was "Words of Affirmation."

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

However, I think "Gifts" was a close second for my mom.

The key to MANY of my emotions of late is the fact that my tank is empty. It is crucial for us to have full tanks. Somehow, we need our tanks full. It is crucial for us to have people around us who can fill our tanks while we, in turn, fill theirs. This reciprocity is what keeps us going. I think that my tank-filler was mom. :( When I discovered my love language, the first question that was asked of me was "How many people speak to you in your language?" My response, sadly, no one. I now think that part of the reason that I struggle so much with mom's death is the fact that I lost much more than anyone can EVER imagine. Sure, I lost my mom and best friend. However, I also lost one of the only people that helped fill my tank and that is so VERY important especially since I believe one of my other major tank-fillers was my Nana who I had lost just 3 years before my mom. So, my tank has been empty and to deal with what I deal with day-to-day on an empty tank is excruciatingly hard. As things pile up, it is getting almost impossible...

So, for those wondering just WHAT is going on. In a long, drawn-out explanation, that is it...

My evolving relationship with the elliptical....

I have seen it on TV...

My sister LOVES it...

Since I started going to the gym, I walk past it EVERY day...

We have an understanding. I will not bother it, and it will not bother me. Frankly, I was a bit afraid of it, and I think that it knew that. It just sat there in all of it's glory mocking me. All of those physically fit people would get on it and chug away. Arms going one way. Legs going another. It seemed so easy, but I KNEW better. I am NOT a very coordinated person. Exercising on a consistant basis is still fairly new to me. So, moving rapidly in various directions is probably NOT a good idea. Therefore, I stood back and observed. Yes, I simply watched from afar. From the safety of my treadmill or exercise bike, I would see how simple those expert exercisers made it look. They were so determined when they got on it. They were going to master it no matter how hard it was, and they DID! No one ever fell off of it, and no one ever cried... I was amazed! Bewildered...

I wondered if it was mad? Mad that so many defeated it. I still did not take my chances. I knew my place. Yup. The treadmill and bikes were my zone and I did not leave them. Then, there was the houding. The annoying. The sister. "Try it." "You will burn off so mamy more calories..." "You need to change up your program to achieve the maximum benefit." Over and over and over. She just would NOT let up....So, I did begin to toss the idea around. But, that was it. I went NO FURTHER!

Then, last week, I thought "Maybe one day I will get on there and give it a whirl?" I was still REALLY afraid. What if I fell. How embarassing that would be! So, I decided that I would wait till a day when I went in and it was not very crowded. Then I would get up on it and see what happened. Well, I headed in there every day and every day was crowded. So, no go day after day. Then, on Saturday, Taylar and I headed in at the twins naptime. As I walked in to the Wellness Center, I saw the space. All of that empty space. Then that voice in my head spoke LOUD AND CLEAR. "Here is your chance. Try it today." I walked toward it and it seemed to be staring at me with a grimace. As I stepped on it, I whispered quietly "Please don't hurt me." Then I slowly started pumping to turn it on.

Then it starts.... I am asked to select a program. Hmmmm. I have NO idea. Nothing too crazy. I am a complete novice here. A virgin. This is my first time. "Weight Loss" seems like a logical choice since that is what I am trying to achieve.

LOGIC IS NOT WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO USE WHEN YOU YOU INTERACT WITH THESE THINGS...

I begin. Back and forth. Up and down. I think to myself: "I can do this. Not too bad." That right there was the DUMBEST thing that I have ever allowed to even enter my mind." Because it was almost immediately after that is when my nightmare began...

The words "Resistance 8 beginning" flash across the screen. I wonder what that means?? Then, I quickly discover that it should have simply said "hell." OMG! I really thought that I was going to die. It was so hard my legs and arms were throbbing. I could NOT push against that force. It was so hard. I could just feel that monster fighting me and I just knew that it LOVED every second of it. I had to do this for 4 minutes and it felt like 400. Then I went back down to Resistance 1 and I swear I cheered out loud! :) This continued back and forth for the entire 30 minute workout. Each and every time the Resistance 8 was coming I almost had an anxiety attack and had to fight crying out loud to get through it. Then, I would just grin through the lower stage. Anyone watching MUST have thought that I was OFF MY ROCKER!

When I completed my time, I stepped off and patted the machine gently. I think that we now have an understanding. We are not friends, pals, or buddies, but we will mutualy work together to give me the workout I need when necessary for my health well-bring....

I fell off of the wagon...The healthy eating/diet wagon that is...I caved to the stress that I have been surrounded by lately and ate accordingly.... Therefore, I have gained 20 pounds of the 100 that I worked SO HARD to lose!!!

Well, I went back to my doctor today and talked with her about it. She agreed to help me out, but also told me that this cycle is NO GOOD. I know this, but just do not know HOW to not get caught in it. It is vicious. How do I avoid being in this cycle for the next 40 years??? I know that I need to change eating habits, but that is so HARD at my age. Bottom line is that I am just NOT a veggie eater and that is a TOUGH thing to just start to like at my age... Veggies are such a good filler...

I guess the silver lining here is that I caught myself only 20 lbs up and wanted to do something rather than waiting till I gained all 100 and undid all of that work, but I got rid of all of the BIG clothes. So, I CAN'T be that size again. It is NOT an option....

She just doesn't get it....

I am worried about Tobey and his upcoming surgery. I cannot help it. What am I supposed to do? So, I have posted a thing ot two on facebook. I guess my sister has read them because she calls me this morning. "You just need to stop worrying about Tobey." "This is his umpteenth surgery." "It is all routine. No big deal." Yea. That is real easy for her to say.

Just REALLY makes me want to hurt her. REALLY. Surgery is NOT routine. I do not care HOW MANY of them he has had. The whole family is thrown in an upheavel, my child is put under general anesthesia, he will be spending a week in the hospital and this is NOT just a simple little thing! I quickly informed her of that. Why does she even have to comment? It is easier for me when she just ignores my life. But, when she says assinine things like this, it makes it that much worse! Is she that cold? That uncaring? Or just that clueless? The answer is none of the above. She is in Kim's world, and therefore none of this means a damn thing to her since it does not affect her world...

Some people really should be mute...

Does she REALLY think that I am going to jump for joy and be happy?

My sister calls me yesterday to explain to me just WHY she changed her cellphone number. Apparently, she told my BIL that she had finally had it (for the umpteenth time) and that she was going to call the attorney and file for divorce. Well, she claims that after that he was a changed man.... :0 Sorry, but I am not a believer. He has been an ass for the past year. Putting her through literal hell. All because HE kissed someone and got caught. Supposedly, HE was the one that could not forgive himself. My sister had forgiven him long ago and it was him that was unable to forgive himself. So, he was making all of their lives miserable. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.... Per their conversation he admits that said other party had still attempted to contact him 1/2 a dozen times through text messages and asks my sister if she would be happy if he changed his cell#? She agrees and that was what led to the # changes....

So, she goes on to tell me that he is back to the man she married. "Oh, this is what I have waited a year for." I am sorry, but am I the only idiot here? I see my sister as a complete SUCKER! My BIL has her RIGHT WHERE HE WANTS HER! He will never go anywhere. Would you? After the way he strung her about for the past year, he now knows that he can do just about anything and she will hang on. No, I am sorry. Having $$ is not that important to me. Not to mention HOW it makes her look. Pathetic, sad, and desperate.

She was not very happy when I sad "I hope his behavior lasts...." Yeah, reality sometimes sucks, doesn't it??

Now, she is moving to my side of town. Honestly, I don't want her. Sounds mean, but I do not want the drama that her life and husband bring. She is fine on her side of Houston....Of course, she is moving into the wealthy side of Katy which is so typical and just like her so that she can rub in all of the things that she has that I cannot afford....

Wait...I am supposed to be happy, aren't I?

Who Would Have Guessed?

These little things that caused me so much stress, havoc, and worry would be an actual worthwhile imvestment? Well, I have to admit that they have been. They have been WONDERFUL! Taylar and Baylee BOTH love them! Actually, Brennyn finds them quite entertaining too! :) Usually, the latest and greatest gadgets are NEVER worth the hype that they have wreaked, but these have shown to be in my house. The girls have played with them for hours a day since getting them for Christmas. Baylee carries them all around, tucks them in at night and always makes sure that she knows where all 4 of hers are at all times! :) Now, I will say, that Brennyn does try, at times, to run them over with his cars or bike and he has been caught trying to make his "Spike" the dinosaur try and eat them, but otherwise he plays with them too! :)

It is nice to see your stress and fret pay off in a good way. So many times, the kids do not even appreciate what we go through for the toys that they just HAVE to have, Well, this time, they are and I must admit that it is nice! :)