A REALLY tough time for me...

i am at a REALLY low point. NO ONE gets what I am feeling and that is so hard. We are supposed to be pillars for our friends in their time of need. That is what "they" say and it is just going to take every ounce of strength that I have. The funeral is tomorrow...

You see, the thought of someday losing my Tobey is NEVER far from my mind. No, he has no real BIG medical issues right now or ongoing, but it is just ALWAYS there. I don't know. I guess when a world-renowned neurosurgeon tells you that your son will more than likely not make it through when he is born, it makes a bit of an impression...I know I know...I should look at him for the MIRACLE that he is, but sometimes it is just hard. I know almost NO ONE who is still alive who was opened up as high as Tobey was. All of the kids that I have known have died. One at age 5 and now Dylan at age 15. A thoracic level spina bifida kid should have breathing problems, kids with scoliosis as bad as Tobey's should have breathing problems. There are a whole HOST of things that Tobey should have that he does not. However, that does not keep me from wondering. Since he has made it through MANY major medical events, will it be something small that takes him? After all, RSV killed Kenny at age 5 and that is usually only dangerous to little ones...The intellectual side of me sees all of this as stupid and a HUGE waste of time and energy, but my heart just struggles. He has gotten through so much, but the reality for him is that it is FAR from over...There are other things to deal with and I just take each one as it arises as that is ALL that I know how to do...

I LOVE that boy with every ounce of my being. I have to say that I have done everything that I can think of to make sure that I would have no regrets if something did happen to him. It is just something that I will always have to deal with and times like this make it feel so much worse.

So, I will gather myself up tomorrow and go to Dylan's funeral. I will send my spina bifida child off to school as he has still stayed fast in his wish to NOT attend and I WILL respect that. I will be the pillar that I SHOULD be for Leslie and then will probably cry like a baby all the way home. We always find somewhere to gather up the strength, right? Then, I will call my dear friend is who is dealing with the uncertainty of what lies ahead. Jamie, I will cry right along with you as I just see this as COMPLETELY unfair...

If you read this far, thanks for just reading. It means so much to know that there is someone out there....

RIP Dear Sweet Dylan

It is with a heavy heart that I write this post, but I feel that in some small way it pays a tribute to a terrific kid! When Tobey was born, there were many people that were "there" for me both emotionally and physically. Leslie was one of them. She was such an upbeat postive lady. Behind her was always Dylan. The cutest little guy I had seen with the GREATEST smile! Dylan was such a light in this world. Friendly, outgoing and the "socialite" of any situation. You just could not know Dylan and not love him. he was just that kind of kid...

Saturday, Dylan went to sleep. On Sunday, Leslie tried to wake him only to discover that he was gone. That sweet angel had been called back "home." The next few days will be just TERRIBLE for me and my family as Dylan's death hits REALLY close to home. You see, Dylan had spina bifida just like Tobey and that makes losing him even more scary to me and Tobey.

My heart is just broken and I just weep for Leslie at this rough time in her life.

Dylan was going to turn 16 in March. A light blown out way too soon...

Tobey the BLACKBELT: My Hero!

I have said for a long time now that Tobey is my hero. Many people choose actors, superheroes, firefighters, policemen, etc. to fill the role of hero for them. For me, it is my son. In his small body, he encompasses all that a hero should be. He is full of will, strength, and a drive to be the best that he can be. Last night, I saw all of this at his peak as he completed his testing for his blackbelt. For the past 3 years, he has continued in taekwondo. There have been surgeries and broken bones that have caused him to have to step back, but he has not given up. He saw the goal ahead and continued to strive for it which is just what they teach you in taekwondo. Perseverance is the key to success! Today, I toast my hero and say a special "hurray!" for reaching your ULTIMATE goal. In your own words: "You Rock!"

When he started taekwondo, he was given a board with a tree on it to signify growth. He was told to put it somewhere that he could always see it so that he could be motivated to work towards the day when he could break it. Last night was that very day and this is what the board looked like after he was done!


The proud BLACKBELT!

The broken leg mystery solved....

Well, I could have sworn that Brennyn had a broken leg. I was just beside myself. the poor kid would not put his right leg down. Even when I held him, he kept pulling up his right leg. I was an inch away from calling the sitter and asking her if he fell or caught his leg...Then he pooped. Oh my word! That baby had one of the worst cases of diaper rash that I have ever seen! There were blisters on him and all. I slathered him up with Desitin and he started to walk. So, if you ever have a bad rash down there, remember that walking is just too hard!

The cute dentist, the abscessed tooth and the "funk"...

So, I FINALLY dragged my sorry self into the dentist yesterday. I was off and could think of nothing more to make my MLK celebration than a trip to my friendly neighborhood dentist. Since the dentist is my favorite person to see, I figured why not (hahahaha)....No, the pain from the broken and now abscessed tooth is what FINALLY did me in. When 3000mg. (yes, 3000 or 6 extra strength) do not knock out the pain, you KNOW you are in trouble...The new guy walks in and is actually quite nice looking. I speak calmly and smile nicely as we discuss the fact that he cannot save the tooth and will have to yank it out. After he shoots the side of my mouth with novacaine, he leaves for a few minutes to let it numb. As he leaves, I start to have no pain and feel nice and just think of how it is kinda pleasant to have the person who yanks out your tooth to be good on the eyes. Then, I glance down at my leg and see the "funk" fingerprints that Miss Baylee left with me as she grabbed a hold of my leg to hug it before I walked out the door. GREAT... Just what I need is a little cookie schmeck to make my pants look better. Oh heck. A momma of 5 is supposed to look like that isn't she? Within 10 minutes, the tooth was pulled and I was out the door to see my little "funk" monsters geared up with a script for Darvocet and an order to rinse with warm salt water. Another day...

MLK Day and My Soapbox...

I have no issues with MLK. Really, I do think that MLK did so much for the civil rights movement and our country would not be the same without him and his actions. That said, I have such an issue with the district that I work for and MLK vs. President's Day. My district has a high percentage of African American and Hispanic students. We strive to break the race issues with these kids and teach them equality and that everyone is equal and should have the same opportunities. However, we do not model that for them. In the past few years, we have moved from celebrating MLK AND President's Day to completely dropping PD. The kids learn about MLK and have the day off for remembrance. For PD, nothing. Few teachers discuss it and we do not get off. I just wonder what kind of message we are sending to the kids. MLK was important and worth honoring, but the men who ruled our country are not? Distresses me and worries me in regards to the future and what Americans will hold dear...Frustration

Well, the night was fun....That was until it got ugly...

We started tonight off with dinner. By we, I mean just me and the kids. I have been going out with them alone more and more and have started to really enjoy the time that we have just to ourselves...Besides, it is nice to not have to deal with Judy as she is a royal pain in the behind.

Dinner was good and then we headed out to the East West Shrine Game. OK, the first mistake that I made was going to an OUTDOOR game in 45 degree weather. You see, we Texans do not own gloves, mittens, scarves, etc. So, we are not prepared for the windiness of an outdoor stadium and all that it entails. We had GREAT seats and the big kids REALLY enjoyed the game. That said, the littles did NOT have fun. They were cold. They were whiny. They got on my nerves! They just did not want to be there and I cannot blame them as there is little of interest at a football game for 1-year-olds...We made it through 2 quarters and then decided to pack up and go home. I apologized to T, T & T and PROMISED them that we would attend the game next year WITHOUT the littles and home we headed.

Or so we thought! About 10 miles from home, I had to fuss at the kids for the video player being REALLY loud. I was then informed that it was NOT loud at the precise moment that I felt the right rear of my van dip down. Yup, flat tire...Oh, and did I mention that I used the spare back in March and TOTALLY forgot to replace it? Yes, a flat, 5 kids, and no spare. No tow service can accomodate everyone in my car, so I have to call someone. Who can come and get us? I am left with NO option but to call Kim. She is at a party and is quite annoyed that she has to leave to come and get us, but we would be sleeping on the freeway because we know no one else with a vehicle large enough to hold my whole gang! So, she comes to get the kids and takes them home. The "Safe and Clear" guy towed the van off the freeway for free. Then my insurance tow guy took the van to Sam's. Of course, I am then told that my insurance only covers a 5 mile tow and the Sam's is 10 miles. So, I had to pay $15 for the extra 5 miles. Sam's is of course closed, so I had to leave my van in their parking lot over night. My pleasant sister has to come back tomorrow and take me up there to deal with it. All of this for a van that I plan on getting rid of in the next few weeks. Great Karma I have, right?

I did get some cute pics at the game BEFORE the fiasco started...
The guys ran out through the Shrine clowns and we were so close!


Tob and Brennyn

Ty and Bay