I have been wanting to write this for a long time but just could not put my thoughts down in a coherent manner

Valentine’s Day

To many, this day is the most romantic of the year. Pink and red, hearts and flowers, lovers holding hands, and romantic dinners by candlelight. All of the things little girls dream about. One day, Prince Charming will come and all of these things will happen. We see it in all of our favorite movies. So, why not? I know that I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I dreamed about it. I hoped for it. I wished for it. Some day…

As a little girl, I did have a Prince Charming of sorts. My Poppop. Every Valentine’s day, Poppop made sure that all of the girls in the house had a special gift. He was careful to pick out everyone’s favorite and he always seemed to know just what THAT was. It was perfect and I never felt like I was missing out on anything.

In my late teens I did find Mr. Right. It was all that that I imagined; happiness, romance, and I was suddenly unaware of those single women out there who were just where I was at one time. I lived in my moment of bliss and forgot about the others who were in their own lonely pain. Well, after just 4 years, I was reminded as my engagement was painfully ended and I was alone yet again. I turned into an a sad, bitter person and crawled into my lonely shell on Valentine’s day so that I could avoid those smiley happy couples who just seemed to literally drip with love and happiness. My Poppop was gone and I had no one to brighten my day. All of that was just a memory for me.

As I have gotten older, Valentine’s day evolved for me. The resentment that I had built up remained with me in my early twenties. I just could not get past hating people who seemed to be so happy. I always wondered why they deserved it more than I did? What had I done to deserve this? What was wrong with me? When I had the triplets, I decided to change my perspective. I focused on them. I spent the day making sure that they knew how much I loved them and how precious they were to me. For the next 10 years, this remained my focus. My Mom added to this by lovingly taking the kids and letting them get a special little gift for Mom “from the heart.” It was always something special and it was always just a PERFECT something that just brightened my day. Knowing that the kids helped made it that much more special. Valentine’s day was no longer such a miserable time. That said, I do believe that somewhere deep down, I always harbored that secret longing that I had as a young girl for that knight in shining armor. Would I have admitted it? Never, but I do believe that it was there….

In 2005, my Valentine’s day view was change yet again. Unfortunately, this was NEVER a perspective that I wanted and one that I do fear that I will never be able to get rid of. For the first time in my life, I sat and watched someone that I loved as much as my mother die. At 32 years old, I felt like a child. I heard what the doctor was saying. I understood all of the terminology. I was Tobey’s mom. Medical jargon was not new to me. However, it was like a dream. As I saw her heart rate get lower and lower, I kept watching and waiting for her eyes to open and for her to talk to me. Miracles happen every day, right? The doctor said that it would be fast, but he did not know my Nana. She was tough and the doctor was baffled at how long her heart did end up holding out. Leave it to Nana to shock them right until the end! Finally, the heart rate reached 0 and the line was straight. I just sat there and stared. It was peaceful. I held her hand the whole time and she let go very gently when she went. That was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. It was my biggest loss.

Now, I try so hard to find joy on Valentine’s day. It is so hard. A huge loss is not easily forgotten. The kids and I talk about what a great day it was for Nana. What a splendid reunion that was for her. All of the loved ones that she had missed so dearly and some of them had been gone for so long. I have decided that my Nana left me a gift on that Valentine’s day and it just took me a while to stop and see it. You see, she left small pieces of herself behind. The best part of that is that she left these pieces in my children and it amazes me that I get to keep all of these gifts to myself and enjoy them each and every day.
In Tobey…I see COURAGE in the face of obstacles
In Tylor…I see DEVOTION for family
In Taylar…I see HONESTY and anyone who knows Taylar knows that she will tell you just what she thinks as did Nana
In Baylee…I see a FIESTY zest for life
In Brennyn…I see a SMILE that is warm, welcoming and can light up a room

So, while most enjoy this day for all of the commercialized reasons that keep the chocolate and flower companies in business, I will simply take a moment and squeeze each one of my kids and look deep into their eyes. Then, I will remind each one of them just how wonderful he/she really is and that Valentine’s day reminds me that each one of them has a gift that makes them a perfect addition to our family. I have been honored with gifts that will never wilt, melt, or make me fat. Best of all, these gifts are mine to keep forever!