New Year... Resolutions...

Nope... Not making them... Year after year, I tried to make them. This year, I vowed to NOT do it... I decided to NOT set myself up for disappointment. I am just going to work every day to achieve all that I can and leave it at that. I have a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach (lots of those of late :( ) that many things are going to unfold this year. We shall see what actually unfolds...

It's Happening....

When he was born, I was warned...

"Scoliosis is bad" they said. "The kyphotic curve makes it that much worse" they told me. "Be prepared for surgery. A VERY big surgery" I was warned.

We escaped it for 16 years.

I was able to do what I do best. Put it on the backburner and ignore it....

I can do that no more... Tobey is no longer healthy and symptom-free. :( He is beginning to show signs of distress. He is displaying high blood pressure and even pulmonary decline. This is scary. REALLY scary! The part that is the most scary is that it seemed to just pop up! He will be haltered with a blood pressure monitor next week to get a 24-hour reading. Then, we will be sent to a pulmonary specialist. After that, decisions will be made. SCARY, life-changing decisions...

My nightmares are that this will spiral out of control very quickly....

Life is too Short

Yeah... I have just had a blast of realization... Life is too short... Surround yourself with people who love you... People who are genuine.... People who will do anything to protect you and your family.... But, MOST OF ALL Surround yourself with people who MAKE YOU SMILE. EVERY SINGLE DAY. That is what is important!

No one else matters

When I think about WHAT/WHO a TRUE friend is. I think that it is much simpler than most people think. Simply, a TRUE friend is someone who always knows WHAT you need when you need it. A TRUE friend is someone that you know you can always call when you need an ear/shoulder. When you need them the most, a TRUE friend is RIGHT THERE... TRUE friends do NOT walk away when things get scary or hard. TRUE friends do not turn their backs on you. TRUE friends do NOT ignore you or prove themselves unworthy of trust...

Are you TRUE friend to anyone??

Public Service Announcement....

This is MY blog...

It WILL contain MY thoughts and opinions...

If you do not like them, then STOP reading it. NO one is forcing you to read. I do NOT speak lies on my blog and do not mention names. What I say is the truth, and if you do not like it, please feel free to stop reading.

Oh, and contrary to what you might think, many DO enjoy reading it and, NO, the world does not revolve around you!

Getting Around to Packing....

I'm trying. I really am. It is soooooo hard. I just cannot pack. :( Whenever, I try, I get weepy and emotional. I need to man up and just do it! It HAS to be done!

There is NOTHING that I can do.

I KNOW that this IS a good thing, but I just cannot get my sh*t together.

Ugh. I am just so very frustrated with myself... :(

What do you do?

It is such a hard call....

When you really care about someone and think that they are a valued person in your life, but there is a nagging wedge in the relationship...

Sort of an elephant in the room of sorts...

Do you ignore it? Do you tell yourself that it is really NOT your business and try to get past it?

I REALLY do not know, but it is really weighing heavy on my heart. Seems that this issue is something that I thought that I could get around, but now I am not so sure. I cannot stop thinking about it. You see, it is something that is very important to me. Something that I have said that I would NEVER do. Now, I cannot help but think about this every time I see this person. The saddest part is that I just wish that I would have never discovered this. "Ignorance is bliss" is TOTALLY applicable to our situation. The good friend/Christian part of me says that I should be able to move on and not let something like this ruin a wonderful friendship. The human part of me says that this is a life-changing issue for me and that nakes it harder to just ignore... :(

Time will tell....

Getting out of Bed....

Some mornings, getting out of bed is an accomplishment.

Really....

I am in a place that I have never been before. I just cannot seem to get out of it. My friends are in bad places too. so, I have been able to distract myself with their probelms which is probably a good thing. I am a bit worried. Worried that I just cannot get over this bump....

Can't Seem to Shake it.... :(

After beginning to pack, I fell into a horribly low mood. I just cannot seem to snap out of it... Everything makes me sad and keeps me down.

Sadness.....:.(

It's Been a While....

Mom-

It's been a while... A very long time since we have had a heart to heart. The kids are growing like crazy and doing so good. They really are. Unlike me, they are so very strong. Kids never cease to amaze me in the strength that they have to get through even the toughest of circumstances... It is just unreal...How could I have such fighters?

I have been fortunate to have some REALLY good friends near and far to help me through the rough times. These girls are MY family. Truly, they are. They are there whenever I need someone. Whether that means a text, a phone call, a couch, a drink, or just the knowledge of knowing that she understands WHAT I am dealing with, these girls are something special. They have pulled me out of some really dark places lately and that is something that I CANNOT say for any of the family that remains... :( The far away friends make me long for them to be near.

Remember that black cloud that you and I always joked about? Well, it still seems to follow me around raining on my sunny days and bringing rotten things into my life. I HATE it. :(

Oh Mom... This is so hard. This moving thing. Last night I sat there and packed that curio cabinet. It was pathetic. I looked at every item and thought of every memory that I had of you. I was sad and angry. So sad that you were not here and that you were missing so much. Angry that I was deprived of your presence. Selfish, I know....I yelled at the kids. Told them to not touch any of those things. "This is the last of Grammy that I have." I told them. "If it breaks, I will never be able to replace it." I was not very nice. Sadly, I did not care... :( I just needed a moment to be selfish and miss my mom. I do not take many of those. I really do not. If it makes me look bad, so be it...

You know, the more I struggle through life, the more I see how people can just completely LOSE IT! I used to really wonder just HOW it could happen? Not anymore! Now, I can clearly see just how it can happen. I am a bit afraid. Afraid that it will one day be me that it happens to... :( Please watch over us. If you have power, please make certain that the kids stay on the right paths and that we all stay together. That is what is most important to me. Everything else means NOTHING without my children....

I love you and miss EVERY SINGLE DAY

Finding Reprieve in Our Stories...

To say that my friend J and I like to read would be an understatement. Where most people read a book or two a month. Yeah. We read a book every couple of days. Seriously! J can go through a 5 book series in a weekend! She is much faster than I am, but we both can plow through books in no time! It is fun for us. Gives us some reprieve from the stresses of our lives. It is a cheap way to escape. We get our books for free, or one of us buys them and we share. It has been great. Then, we have mini "book chats" with each other. We have been through some GREAT books and a few flops as well. We have joined each other through some awesome series and then anxiously wait with baited breath for the next book to be released. It is an exilihirating and fun ride!

"Share Your Story..." No Way!

To say that I have been struggling with my faith lately is an understatement... I have always questioned God and what I feel that he has thrown my way. I do my best to take the good with the bad and move on. However, recently, I just CAN'T. :( There seems to be just too much for me to go forward. I feel so weighed down that I cannot move. It is a horrible, suffocating feeling. Just when I think that I am feeling a bit better, something else hits and I am right back down where I was... I just feel deserted by God as far as this idea of "walking beside you.." That leaves me with no desire to go to church. I just feel strange, out-of-place... It feels wrong which I know is the worst thing to say in regards to church. But, there is no other way to describe the turmoil that surges through me right now... I go for my children. I know that they want to and that it is important for them. I also have a friend J that encourages me to go. If it were not for those 2 things, I would NOT be there. However, I push on and go. I listen to what is being said. I do. Often, I feel as though the words that are being said are for someone else. They do not apply to me. They do not seem to offer comfort or help me... :( They just seem foreign. Swell, huh? Well, last night, the lesson was about "sharing your story." Yeah. Crazy! Each of us has a story about our journey of faith and that we should be able to share our story. I sat there and literally got angry. Tears were filling my eyes as my pastor talked. Who was he? Share my story? Hell no! First, there are things that have happened in my life that are VERY sad. Second, I can tell you that there is NO ONE that wants to hear the WHOLE story. NO ONE. If my friends from near and far ever got together, boy oh boy would they have things to chat about. You see, some of them know some parts and others know others....In my 40 years, I have dealt with more sadness, tragedy, loss, and anger than ANYONE that I have ever come across. I can pretty much guarantee that. That is NOT something that you share with anyone. EVER...

It hit me like a ton of bricks last night.....

I tell myself... I tell my friends... I tell my family... "I have made peace with this move. I have made peace with the loss of the house." I have NOT.... It is NOT the actual house that I am sad about losing. It is what I am losing. I am losing the LAST connection that I have to Mom. This is it... When I walk out of THAT door, I will say my FINAL farewell to my mother. Sounds very silly to some, but makes perfect sense to me. She has been gone for 4 1/2 years, but has remained, in a very small way, with me. You see. That house was packed with memories of her...I could sit, close my eyes, and there she was. I will NOT have that once I leave. Nope gone. I will be in a place that has NO memories of Mom. She will not have spoken in any of the rooms. She will not have stepped into any of them. She will be DEAD for real. Wow. That is painful...

Holy Crap!

I am not exactly certain what/where it happened, but these young people that I interact with on a daily basis have lost their minds! I am really NOT kidding. This is a serious matter. We still have like 3 weeks of school left and they are absolutely bonkers! It started yesterday with the 5th graders, and now today with the 6th.... This is going to make for a hellacious end of the year!!!! There is so much to get done between now and the end. The stress of dealing with crazy, apeshit kids is the LAST thing that I need.... Please let things calm down. I cannot deal with this!!!

It's Been a While

Let's see... Things, AS ALWAYS, have been NUTTY here... I have been through a host of health problems for myself which is NOT the norm... First, they saw a "mass" at my annual check-up which was like 5 years overdue. Scared the crap out of me for a week until it was confirmed that it was a large cyst. That was the positive news. The bad news was that, based on the issues that I have been having, combined with the cyst, a hysterectomy was recommended. And, because of my c-sections and multiple pregnancies, I do not get to have a nice laparoscopic one. :( I have to have my c-section incision opened again Fun times... This past week, I had a tooth pulled. Again, not a simple pulling of a tooth. No. This tooth was infected all the way up to my sinus cavity and had to be pulled by an oral surgeon under general anesthesia for fear that the novacaine would NOT work. Yes, fun times again. It was actually quite pleasant to have a tooth removed this way. Wish I was able to have all of the teeth that I have had pulled out done like that. However, it is prohibitivily expensive. So, NOT going to happen....

I Just Cannot Believe Some People....

When I made the choice to become a mother, I believe that I made the choice to put my OWN needs on the backburner for a good amount of time. My children became my priority. I now considered them FIRST when I did things and I no longer thought about what I needed as being priority...

I am often shocked to find other mothers who do NOT feel the same way... :( These women have a child/ren and yet still feel that their personal needs are superior. It saddens me to watch it. I observed it with V who always put herself first while she was raising 2 kids and it was so sad.... :(

I see it now with A. How can you possibly continue to meet people online and then up and MOVE to locations ACROSS THE COUNTRY to shack up with these people that you have met?? More over, allow your son to be involved in this? A did this 2X when she came to Houston and is now doing it again to go to VA. I think she is insane! Her poor son... :( This kid has been diagnosed by qualified people as being on the spectrum. However, she has yet, since his diagnosis at almost 4, to do 1 thing to assist him with HIS needs. She has not even shared his diagnosis with his school! :0So, this poor kid has had to try and cope without the assistance that he so deserves....All she has done is concern herself with finding a mate. Each time, poor P is allowed to get attached to these people only to be terribly upset (I am sure) when the relationship ends. How can he NOT be? He is just a kid....Throughout all of this, A is so proud of herself. Proud of what? Proud of no job? Proud of finding yet another person who will allow both her and her son to live off of them? Proud of the fact that she is quitting school again? Proud of the fact that she pulled her son out of school for a month so she could go have a conjugal visit with her girlfriend because she just could not wait till the summer? Give me a break!

When will these people step up and actually be the parents that these poor kids deserve? My question is this: How are these kids going to turn out???? Scary thought...

Clear as mud....

What was so clear just two months ago. Not so much now...

Gosh, I don't know. It is so very frustrating. I was so sure that I KNEW the path that we were going to go down and that it was the exactly right one...

Then, things went completely downhill with Tobey and I was facing a new perspective on our life and where it was headed. Now, I am not so certain that the decisions that I thought were perfect are...

I don't like this. I want to know WHERE things are headed. I need a plan...

For now, I am going to step back. Let life just lead the way. Pray hard, and hope that the waters of clarity will come in and wash the mud away....

Head over and help if you can....

The family at the blog above is a wonderful family.... They have already adopted 4 kiddos and are now adopting a 14 year-old in desperate need of a speedy rescue. They are currently holding a dundraiser with awesome prizes. Head over and give if you are able.

Any little bit helps!

Just Do Not Know Anymore

This is just crazy...

I thought that I was so sure about what I wanted and where my life was headed in the upcoming year or two. I was fairly certain about most things.

Or so I thought....

Things have just been wild in the last couple of weeks. My emotions go UP and DOWN. One day I am thinking one way. The next, I am thinking the opposite.... I just don't understand? I am not usually confused about my life and where it is headed. I am not even sure where this is coming from and I do NOT like it. I am doubting everything that I thought that I was doing in the next year or two.

I need some clarity, and I need it now.....

RIGHT NOW!

Thankful for E

Well, after the HUGE amount of stress that V caused me yesterday when she waltzed in and told me that she could no longer help me out, I found a replacement in E...

I am so thankful for E. She has come through for me when I had no one else. Something that I did not expect which is nice. I just hope that this works out. If not, I do NOT have anyone else to ask and do NOT know what I will do??

This is the last remaining thing that my mother dying has left me with trying to figure out...Mom did this and it was so easy...

Again

Yup...It has happened again....

My friend V has decided that she no longer wants to help me out with the "Tobey thing." She is trying to say that it cost her $$ which I know is a lie because we have been taking out $$ every check to prevent it from doing just that...

However, I was afraid this would happen because she is NOT like my Uncle who was very disciplined with $$. See, he was taking $$ out each check and placing it in a savings account. Then, when it came to tax time, he had the $$ there to pay what he owed. No problem. Cost him nothing... V, was keeping the $$ that I told her to keep, but was NOT saving it. She was spending it... :( Now, she is claiming that she owes $700, but I am sure that she is conveniently forgetting the $$ that she was witholding from EVERY check!

I am again left to find someone to do this for me, and I do not know WHO I am going to ask??? I am pretty much out of options....

This is so stressful....