I wrote this out and it helped a little....
OK..
I have to get this out….I was sad for so long and I still am a lot, but now I have moved on to another emotion.
I am mad…So very angry…
Angry that you left so soon…
Angry that I did not really get to say goodbye…
Angry that you did not take care of yourself…
Angry that I did not get you the dog that you wanted…
Angry that you sacrificed so much while I was growing up and that I did not show more appreciation for it…
Angry that you spent so much of your life alone…
Angry that you battled with psychological illness…
Angry that you had to battle food addiction and that you were never able to win…
Angry that no one ever really saw how hard you very worked…
Angry that Baylee and Brennyn will not remember you…
Angry that you had to work 25 years in a job you hated and that was below your intellectual abilities…
Angry that you never got over my father…
Angry that your only sibling was so selfish and non-supportive…
Angry that misfortune seemed to always find you…
Angry that I was not more patient with you…
Angry that your oldest child was always so ungrateful and selfish…
Angry that there are so few pictures…
Angry that you did not get out more…
Angry that more people that I know do not know you…
Angry that the world will not know just where I come from…
Angry that my life will never be the same…
Angry that I really never appreciated your company…
Angry that I am now so alone…
Angry that I did not do what you wanted with the little bit of $$ that you did leave behind…
Angry that I cannot do what you want with your ashes…
Angry that I still get emotional when I find certain things or move things in the house…
Angry that my kids have no grandparents now…
Angry that you were never really happy…
Angry that you never found someone to love you again after my father…
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5 comments:
Let it all out. I hope you feel a little better.
Isn't grief the oddest experience? You think you're moving along and you get so you expect how you're feeling, moving through........wham! You've been slammed by another experience along the way. Keep breathing and know that this is a normal part of grieving and it's ok. It's ok both to be angry and to experience emotional turmoil.
Big hugs.
{{{{{{Jenn}}}}}}}} I wish I could be there for you in person & give you a huge hug!
I went through a different kind of grieving period this spring and am left with the anger too; I have heard there are those steps but am not sure what order they come in for grieving. I can TOTALLY see why you may never come to the acceptance stage. You were robbed of your mother too too early.
I know it's hard to see, but your mom sounds like she had a wonderful life in many ways. For one thing she had a loving daughter like you and her grandkids, plus there is also the positive side of not dealing with a husband--I've often felt the women in my family suffered more with their husbands than if they didn't have one.
Writing is a powerful tool. Maybe keep a journal and write to your mom or just what you are feeling that day--really helps to get it all out, even more someties than talking to people. Grief is a long journey, maybe a forever one, sad to say. Hugs, Jenn.
Your mom was always so gracious to me...I felt like one of her own. I love you Jenn!
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