My Emotions Have Been REALLY Out of Whack Lately...

I wrote this out and it helped a little....



OK..

I have to get this out….I was sad for so long and I still am a lot, but now I have moved on to another emotion.

I am mad…So very angry…

Angry that you left so soon…

Angry that I did not really get to say goodbye…

Angry that you did not take care of yourself…

Angry that I did not get you the dog that you wanted…

Angry that you sacrificed so much while I was growing up and that I did not show more appreciation for it…

Angry that you spent so much of your life alone…

Angry that you battled with psychological illness…

Angry that you had to battle food addiction and that you were never able to win…

Angry that no one ever really saw how hard you very worked…

Angry that Baylee and Brennyn will not remember you…

Angry that you had to work 25 years in a job you hated and that was below your intellectual abilities…

Angry that you never got over my father…

Angry that your only sibling was so selfish and non-supportive…

Angry that misfortune seemed to always find you…

Angry that I was not more patient with you…

Angry that your oldest child was always so ungrateful and selfish…

Angry that there are so few pictures…

Angry that you did not get out more…

Angry that more people that I know do not know you…

Angry that the world will not know just where I come from…

Angry that my life will never be the same…

Angry that I really never appreciated your company…

Angry that I am now so alone…

Angry that I did not do what you wanted with the little bit of $$ that you did leave behind…

Angry that I cannot do what you want with your ashes…

Angry that I still get emotional when I find certain things or move things in the house…

Angry that my kids have no grandparents now…

Angry that you were never really happy…

Angry that you never found someone to love you again after my father…

Day 2 and the End of Phase 1

The day began again bright and early. The felons were awakened by the youngsters of the establishment with happy squeals of glee as their room is usally off limits on the weekends. The wee ones were happy to jump on the criminals beds and shake them until the grouchily rose out of their beds to come and join the land of the living. They ate breakfast which they served themselves and began to continue working on the list of duties that was given to them at the beginning of the day yesterday.

At 9:00 AM, they were interrupted to get dressed for church. We all loaded up and went to church and Sunday School. They were reminded how very lucky they were that they were able to go and speak to God and ask for forgiveness for what they had done. Today was Communion and that was another blessing for them and I was sure to remind them of that! When church was through, we came home and everyone had lunch after which the twins and myself went down for a nap. The boys continued to work on their list of items that they needed to complete. They knew that they only had till 7 PM to finish everything or there would be dire consequences and after the weekend they had been through they did not DARE test me to see just WHAT dire was going to entail!

I woke from my short nap with a killer migraine that I felt coming on all morning and the STRONG desire to want to just pack everyone up and head out for dinner. BUT, I knew that I was making a very important point here and that I could NOT take the criminals out to eat. So, I sucked it up and made up a pot of homemade spaghetti, sausage and garlic bread. They broke for dinner and then resumed work right after. At approximately 6:23 PM, Inmate A and Inmate B came to me to report that all of the duties on their lists had been completed. Well, I'll be darned! They actually survived Phase 1. Good for them. They were in bed at 7 PM again and BOTH of them fell right asleep...:)

Tomorrow is the first day of their school consequences and Phase 2 which is where I see how well they can follow commands left for them with me NOT right there watching and re-directing...

Day 1 for the Inmates....

Well, it was a rough day for both of my felons....

They were awakened bright and early when I was awakened by their siblings. If I can't sleep in, neither can they. There are things to get done and places to clean....

Each inmate was presented with his list of duties. They were then told that the duties MUST be completed by the end of the day tomorrow of their would be dire consequences... They were allowed to come out an have breakfast to have some energy, but they were not allowed to come out again till it was lunch time and I would let them know just WHEN that would be. So, the work began. I began to hear some tension among the criminals as one began to despise the other for his influence and power. It seems that the follower regrets following the leader as he is now working instead of attending a birthday party that he was scheduled to go to. Life is tough when you break the law.

On occasion, I would go in and lecture, talk about how hurt I was, and discuss what everyone's impression now was of them. I also imformed Inmate A that his membership to Gamefl&y was cancelled. The look on his face was one of pure shock. That is a item that, to him, is like gold. He could not believe it. He even asked me again, later in the day, if I REALLY did it. I assured him that it was true. I stated that there was NO WAY that I would continue to pay $20 a month for video games to come that he was grounded from playing. He actually teared up into his cereal at one point. Life lesson here. Just what I was going for....

By days end, the inmates had achieved a sufficient amount of work. We had discussed that they were indeed felons as the severity of their crime warranted that level of punishment. 1-2 classes=misdemeanor, 1 day=medium security level, 3-5 as in their case=HIGH LEVEL security felony! They had been informed that the grounding was infinite at this point. We will not even discuss the end until I see a report card. I already know that they will have Fs on their progress reports. So, it will be another 3 weeks after that till report cards come home. THEN, if grades are WAY up, as they should be when you are doing NOTHING but chores and school, we will talk about SLOWLY lifting some of the restrictions.

We also discussed TRUST. I really wanted them to know how important it was for them to see that they were now seen as dishonest by EVERYONE. They have lied to me, their teachers, the school, etc...I explained that trust is a VERY hard thing to try and get back and that they would have to work VERY hard to earn it from me....

Being a warden is VERY tiring. I am doing my best to be strong, firm and follow through and I HAVE been holding it together.

HOWEVER, inside, my heart is BROKEN. I had already been having a sh$tty week and I cannot get over the disappointment that I am feeling. My boys have really let me down and that is just a feeling that I NEVER wanted to have towards my children. I do not want to NOT trust them. Now, I will doubt EVERY thing they tell me, and I HATE that...Will I ever be able to trust them again? I just do not know...I also cannot help but wonder DEEP DOWN what the hell did I do wrong for this to happen???

The Pelzer Penitentiary (Opening Day)

Wow...I do not even know where to begin with these two boys of mine....???

13 years old...

I think that I lost a few seconds of my life when I listened to the voicemail from the AP of McDonald Junior Highschool telling me how very concerned they were that my boys were "out again today." He went on to state that this "brought Tylor's absences for the year up to 5 and Tobey's up to 6."

Really?? Come again??

Because last time I checked, Tylor had missed NO days of school and Tobey just the 2 that I knew about. I mean, come on, we had only been in school for 14 days thus far this year.... Oh no, he confirmed what he had said with a follow-up email. Yes, Friday was the 3rd day IN A ROW this week that my boys had not been at school!!! I was leaving for work in the morning with them dressed an ready and just ASSUMING (I guess that was MY mistake) that they were heading off to school like they ALWAYS have!

After repeated calls to the house with no answer (I pretty much assumed this would happen as they KNOW when they see Alief ISD WHO it is, but we are talking about 2 idiots who thought they could skip school and get away with it here...), I gave the AP and a district police officer permission to go to my house and GO INSIDE to bring their a$$e$ to school. They did this and made them walk to the school as Tobey's chair could not fit in the police car...

When they arrived home yesterday, the Penitentiary opened for business. I came home at 5 and called for their sister. She was loaded with the twins into the car and taken to the restaurant of her choice. The boys did NOT know this and had NO CLUE where we were going and when we would be back. As I pulled away, I gave them a call to let them know that there was peanut butter in the pantry and then hung up. When we got back, it was B & B's bedtime. I put B & B in bed and then took and empty box with me into T & T's room. I removed EVERY electronic item that they own. I disconnected the cable box and XBOX. All items were carried into my room and I said goodnight as I walked out and turned their lights off. Enough talking for that day. Now, I was going to let them wonder just WHAT was ahead for them.....

I was so motivated to lose weight. It was so important. I have been told by so many people for SO MANY YEARS. Friends. Family. Everyone. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Lose the weight and you will feel so much better. Lose the weight and you will be so much happier.

Really???

When???

I have lost 102 pounds, and I have to say that I do NOT feel it...HONESTLY, I don't. If I am going to get REALLY honest, I must say that I feel worse. Let's just let it all out here. I am like an alcoholic/drug addict. I am a food addict. So, food is my comfort. My drug so to speak. Now that I am thinner/more fit, I no longer allow myself to eat. Basically, I spend most of my day depriving myself of the ONE THING that brings me joy/pleasure. To achieve this end, I must work on it day and night. It is a constant job. It is a VERY demanding task to undertake. It is SO HARD to beat as ANY addiction is and there are so MANY moments that I just want to say THE HELL WITH THIS and quit....

How intelligent is that?

I have gotten down to almost 1/2 the size I was about 6 months ago yet I am still alone. Except, now I am alone and hungry.

Oh, but the skinny people around me say I should be happy because I can wear a size 12 jeans now and shopping is more fun. Yipee! Did you hear the excitement there?? Sorry, I tried...Shopping is not fun. I am a single Mom who is usually broke like I was before with no $$ to shop so who the heck cares WHAT size I am?? Losing all this weight has just cost me $$ because I have just had to constantly replace clothes that I outgrow...

And, it seems that EVERYTHING in the world around me revolves around food. Wow! i never realized it till I was NOT able to participate. EVERY activity is centered around food. UGH. It is so HARD...

Irony is an interesting point to ponder...

It is coming.....

Not so much with Taylar. Things are never the same with Taylar. However, I am seeing it with the boys. My relationship with them in changing. They are teens now. They no longer think that spending time with me is cool, the "attitude" is there, and other things are creeping up. Now, none of this is new. I have seen these things brewing for a few months, but I have just stopped living in the beautiful land of DENIAL and admitted to myself that my older kids are young adults now...

It is a VERY sad thing for me as it also symbolizes the beginning of ther path towards independence. I know, I know. We bitch and moan when they are younger that we CANNOT wait till they can just "do this by themselves," or " get up on their own," etc. Now that I am staring down the road that will lead to college and 3 of my kids moving on, it is a little scary. My world as I know it will CHANGE so much. I am NOT good with change. NEVER HAVE BEEN... I will miss their mean, nasty, teenage selves.

Who will I yell at?

Who will I ground?

Who will raise my blood pressure?

Who will I check on while they sleep like I have for so many years?

I am so NOT READY for this change.....

The question of the day....

Taylar's seems to recently be obsessed with the fact that I have NEVER BEEN MARRIED...She has decided to ask me daily just WHY it is that I have never found a husband??? It seems to REALLY bother her as she has her entire wedding already planned down to her dress, cake and flower girl. I do not even try to explain things to her like the fact that her sister will probably be WAY too old to be her flower girl because it is not even WORTH the effort of confusing her. I figure I will let her live in her dream for a while. What can it hurt, right?

BUT, this thing with me is making me NUTS! I just want to hurt her when she gets to obsessively talking about it in the most inconvenient places like the Walmart check-out! You just do NOT know how many times I have been tempted to turn and tell her that the MAIN reason that I have not had a husband in the past 10 years is because of HER!! 5 kids which include an autistic child does NOT do a whole lot for your dating card/resume... I know I know. I am the adult. I have refrained from acting like her and have NOT said it, but believe me when I say that I have THOUGHT IT many many many times!!!!!

The fun that is my life with Taylar just goes on...And to think that the teen years have only JUST begun...I wonder HOW MANY times we will adjust her meds? We have done it once thus far. Or, maybe I should be asking I wonder WHEN I will be starting meds??